STORIES OF CHANGE

All of these remarkable stories of men healing from unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA), and parents who helped their SSA children heal, are from the book Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing (Second Edition, February 2006), available on the Resource Materials page. First you will read stories of men who braved and forged a new path in their lives, and then incredible stories of how several parents helped their SSA children heal and move into their innate heterosexuality. Change is possible!

STRUGGLER'S STORIES

Tom’s Story

“Out of the forthright admission of one’s frailties and the determined commitment to go on, comes a laminated strength powerful enough to overcome those who have not made such a struggle.” –from “Fantastic,” by Lawrence Lerner

By the time, at age 32, I began to seriously address my SSA, I had been struggling with it for so long I could barely remember life without it. There are no words to adequately express how consuming and crippling it was. As I write this, I am thirty-five and continuing on my journey of recovery, moving toward the reclamation of my true masculine potential which lay dormant for so long. Although two and a half years have passed since I decided to finally confront my SSA, the start of this journey seems like it was a lifetime ago. In some ways, it was.

It all began when I was six years old. My father was at that time a raging alcoholic, my older brother (seven years older than I) was rebelling against him, and my mother was desperately trying to hold our family together. At about this time I started school, and I began to see how other kids behaved with their parents and how life appeared to be in their homes. I was and am a very sensitive person, very quick to read the surroundings and underlying mood of a situation. I recognized quickly that something was not entirely right in our home, not only with my father but with our entire family. As the years went on, it was very painful to watch my father deteriorate into his addiction, and along with him our family life deteriorated too.

When I was 10, my mother gave my father an ultimatum: “Stop drinking or I am leaving you!” He did stop, and never touched a drink again. Still, although the nights of wondering if my father would come home drunk ended, I still never felt comfortable with him. Particularly in the early years of his sobriety, it was as if our family was playing a game of make-believe; as if the turmoil caused by his drinking—or the anticipation of that turmoil—had never existed. To this day, my father has never once acknowledged that he was ever wrong. Even after nearly twenty-five years of sobriety, he cannot speak of his drinking days, and worse, he takes no responsibility for them. 

As I’ve grown and come to better understand my father, I recognize that he is in many ways what Alcoholics Anonymous calls a “dry drunk,” someone who is no longer drinking but whose thinking is still distorted by the thought patterns of addiction. I also recognized very early on that I would rather die than be like him. It gives me no pleasure to say that; it is in fact profoundly sad to do so. But it is true. While my father was staying sober, my brother—with whom he never got along—was going his own way. My brother had the unique ability to infuriate our father on many occasions. Why couldn’t he just shut up and keep the peace? I made the decision somewhere around the age of 13 that I was never going to be like my brother, either.

During those turbulent years, the one thing I wanted more than anything else was to protect my mother. In my view, she’d been through enough. My father’s insensitivity to her, the stress she took on mediating between my brother and father, the pain the entire situation caused her—it was too much. I vowed that I would never hurt her. I would be the perfect son. In the process I became her sounding board, in a sense her emotional “husband.” To say I became overly attached to her is an understatement.

Meanwhile, I was discovering that my extreme sensitivity and lack of athletic ability in a hyper-masculine hometown were crippling me. I did not fit in with the other boys. I was passive, afraid to fight. I liked to dress nicely, and I was weak and overweight. I felt in some ways, really in many ways, crushed by the circumstances of my life. I wanted to be someone else. By this time I was 13, in the spring of the seventh grade, and now my SSA began. 

The first boy I became attracted to was a year older than I, and he was everything I could have been “if only.”  He was smart, athletic, preppy, and seemed very nice. At that point I didn’t consciously think it was weird for me to be constantly thinking about this guy.  What I remember asking myself was, How can I be more like him? How can I turn into him? How can I get him to like me?

As I entered high school, I re-experienced those feelings for other boys. They were always the same—lean, preppy, baby-faced, safe. I studied how they dressed and acted, what they liked and tried to emulate them. Above all else, I worked hard to get them to like me and be my closest friends. The tension and excitement that this all-consuming quest caused me cannot be overstated. I often masturbated while thinking about them, trying to relieve the anxiety that all of those feelings caused. Yet I remained in deep denial about the nature of my feelings.

In the rare moments when I reflected on what I was doing, I recognized that it was highly unlikely that these boys, whom I so admired, felt the same way about me. But this didn’t stop me—my emotional cravings and need for belonging were too strong. Time after time, no matter what guy I pursued, obsessed over, and longed to be with, every single time I got my heart broken in some way. Nothing ever worked out the way I wanted it to. Before long I would turn my attention toward someone else, and the same thing would happen all over again.

My religious tradition was Roman Catholic, and my SSA feelings were a source of guilt and shame to me. I had “girlfriends,” but only because it was what was expected of me. I would never have admitted to anyone that my feelings for guys were stronger and more intense than what I felt for girls. It was an exercise in stamina and required tremendous acting to pretend that I was “normal.”

In the summer between seventh and eighth grades, a man I had come to trust and tried to emulate offered me a ride home from an event. I was shocked when he started asking me questions about how often I masturbated, how I did it, and whether I liked it. His questions made me extremely uncomfortable, but I wanted his attention too much to say so. Then, after a few minutes of this kind of talk, he softly said, “Show me how you do it.” 

It has been twenty-one years since this incident took place and I still cannot adequately explain the fear I experienced in that moment. Why did I accommodate him? Why did I do what he asked? Because I was afraid—too afraid not to. I was afraid that if I didn’t do what he wanted, he wouldn’t like me anymore.

As I complied with his request and pulled down my pants, he took one look at me and then began to mock and laugh. I was humiliated beyond words. Even more confusing, minutes later, as he continued to drive me home, he kept talking about nothing in particular, as if the incident never had happened. In the months and years to come I saw this man frequently and he never again asked me to do such a thing. But what he did, which was perhaps even more devastating, was continue to belittle me as he had done during the incident.

I promised myself not to speak of that event to anyone—never, ever. I tried to put it out of my mind, but for the next two decades I carried it within me, feeling deep shame and confusion. As I got older, I heard about other boys who’d had absolutely horrifying experiences of sexual abuse over long periods of time. I tried to convince myself that my own experience was really nothing—a moment too insignificant to remember. But in my heart I knew that simply wasn’t true.

Meanwhile, even as I tried to pursue a normal life, my attraction to guys continued. There were still girlfriends, too, but as soon as our relationships led to intimacy, whether physical or emotional, an automatic barrier closed in around me. Finally, after “fooling myself” for a couple of years, when I was 24 I concluded it was very likely that I was gay.

Now I actively began to seek out other gays. I wanted to explore my feelings further, even though I felt almost nauseated every time I did so. Gradually my emotional attachments to men turned into physical relationships.  Every time it happened, I came away more sad, confused, lonelier than ever, and sickened by my behavior. I tried to convince myself that everything was OK, but something inside me knew very well that it was not.

This pattern of playing straight while having a double life went on for the next three years, until the night I met the man who would ultimately set me on the path to self-recovery. He was the ultimate combination of all the qualities I had sought for the past fourteen years. He was impossibly good looking, preppy, baby-faced, physically unimposing—everything I had ever desired in one package. I fell not into love but into an obsession that I now shudder to think about. I clearly remember thinking, If I could win his friendship, my life would be complete. I was convinced that, with him beside me, my life of longing and loneliness would be over.

For the next year and a half, I pursued him with sick determination. And every time I went out of my way to prove myself to him, every time I sacrificed, every time I drove past by his house in the middle of the night, I knew deep inside that I was in serious trouble. To the best of my knowledge, he never knew the extent of my feelings. Or maybe he did. The point is my yearnings were never reciprocated. Worse than that, I got the feeling he didn’t really care at all.

The pain was crippling. I could never stop thinking about him, and to alleviate my obsession, I impulsively went out in the middle of the night to hook up sexually with the first guy I could find. This went on for months, until one winter night, I sat down alone in my apartment, lonelier and more isolated than I had ever been. I cried bitterly, thinking of the wreckage my life had become, thinking of all the men I had pursued, especially over the last year. I wrote down a vow that I fully intended to keep, even if I didn’t know how to do so. All I knew was that this emotional torture could not go on. This will never happen again! I promised myself.

Of course my SSA desires continued despite my best intentions. For the next few years, I emotionally cut myself off, despite the fact that I occasionally slipped up and hooked up when the craving became too strong. Three years after I made my vow, and after I repeatedly broke it without really wanting to, I admitted to myself that I needed help.

But my fear of seeking help was overwhelming. What would I find out if I actually talked to someone about my life? Was I truly gay? Was there any hope for change? I continued to struggle with these questions for close to a year. At last, shattered by one more intolerable relationship, I finally did a search on the Web for some kind of an organization that could help men like me. I found the International Healing Foundation website, where I read, “No one is born with SSA.”

That was it. I had been right all along. I wasn’t supposed to be gay.

Then I read Richard Cohen’s book Coming Out Straight. I identified with so much of what he wrote and recognized in myself several of the causes of SSA that he listed. I learned that I was a classic SSA male—extremely sensitive, with an alcoholic and abusive father, a very close connection to my mother, and a history of sexual abuse. This confirmed what I had always suspected, that my SSA feelings did not happen by accident. After wrestling with my fears a little longer, I made an appointment to talk to Richard.

I thought we could figure all this out in his office, just between the two of us, until he stressed to me the importance of reaching out to other people. Tell other people? He had to be kidding. But he affirmed and reaffirmed this necessity, until I finally agreed to try. “You’d better be right about this!” I warned him.

Before long I discovered that I was blessed with a handful of men in my life with whom I could share the most intimate details of what I’d been through. These men were fantastic. I kept them and Richard captive for hours on end, talking through the heartaches, disappointments and failures I had never talked about to any one before. It was radical for me to open up like this.

Meanwhile, Richard explained that I had to spend the next year reconnecting to my inner child—the wounded little boy within me. Now at first I thought this was crazy. I did not sense any connection to any child, inner or otherwise. But I slowly realized that it was indeed my inner child who had to be healed, not the 33-year-old adult. This process was not easy, and it took a lot of time for me to connect with my inner child, because “he” had been hurt so deeply. I learned that I had to become a loving father to him—the kind of father I’d never had. Only in doing so could I overcome the lifelong pain, fear and loneliness that had led to my SSA. As I followed this healing path, slowly but surely my SSA feelings started to disappear.

Other difficult issues arose. Confronting the man who had humiliated me became necessary. Looking back, I am still surprised that I was so gung-ho, because being confrontational has never been part of my nature. When the moment finally came, seventeen months after I started my healing of SSA, I can honestly say that I have never felt God’s power more strongly than I did as I spoke to him. As empowering as that experience was, it was still only a part of the larger process of setting things right.

I wish that I could say the attempts I made in connecting with my father had gone well, too, but I learned something I had never considered: That I had the courage and insight to confront my demons, even if he could not. This process of confrontation, of setting things in order, of dealing with the pain, of listening to my inner child, of sharing with other men, and of embracing what I felt was my true nature, slowly but surely took away the underlying fear I had of “losing myself.”

At last I am getting to know the man that I was truly meant to be.

As I write this, I am in what Richard calls “Stage Four” of the healing journey. My next step is to speak about these things with my mother and heal my opposite-sex wounds. I am not sure how it will turn out, but I am not worried. I hope to  establish a relationship with a woman soon, and believe that I will. The healing process takes a lot of time. You cannot rush something like coming out of SSA. But I can say with certainty that I cannot imagine returning to my past behaviors. I know that change is possible. I am living proof.

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Sam’s Story

I was either insane, trusting, or being driven by God to talk to Sarge. He was a three-tour Army vet, complete with a Purple Heart and other medals. I had completed one tour. We were in Virginia. I was going through school, and he was one of the instructors.

I’d gotten to know Sarge because I was being selected to stay on and attend school and become an Army instructor for parachute rigging. I could sew well, and I was a meticulous packer. I was also attracted to other men but had been keeping away from gay bars and sexual association on the advice of a therapist I had been seeing prior to being drafted into the Army. I had been an active homosexual from the age of 14 until I was drafted at 19.

I was on an airplane back to Seattle from San Francisco. I had been there because on my 17^th birthday when I told my mom I was gay, she sent me, as a gift, to live with three gay men she knew in San Francisco. I had a great time there … but on the plane trip back I was seized with the question, “Why am I queer?”

I spent time reading Freud, Adler, B.F. Skinner, and others and began to understand some of the issues. This was 1967, so psychologists didn’t encourage one to experiment and accept the feelings. I met with one therapist who started working with me, and then I was drafted.

The Army was good for me. When asked if I was a homosexual, I said no. And through boot camp, Ranger school, and even in-country, I was following the advice of my therapist. I still had feelings for men from time to time, but the urges seemed under control.

And then there I was, sitting outside a packing shed with this Sergeant, and I started telling him how I felt about men. That I was attracted to them, that I had a dad who ignored me and a stepfather who terrorized me, and an uncle who locked me in a closet, and on and on. Why did I trust him? God knows. But there I was. And when I finished and was getting up to run away, he said, “Ya know something, Son? Y’all ain’t queer. You just need a real daddy.” “Yeah, right,” I said. “No, y’all needs someone to show you howse to be a man.” “I am a man,” I responded. “Well, ya sort of are. You’re part way there. … Y’all come over for dinner. This ain’t no place to talk, all right?”

So I went to dinner at his home. He and his wife said grace. I didn’t believe in any god, as my parents were atheists and so I had grown up without a divine influence, albeit a fairly moral one. My father was an objectivist … Ayn Rand’s philosophy.

After dinner he and I sat outside and we started talking. He just pretty much listened without judgment or comment. “Y’all need to come over here on Saturday and help me.” 

“Doing what?” I asked. “I build birdhouses for the church sales, and I need you to cut wood and paint. By the way, ya know there ain’t no queer deer, don’t ya?” “What?”

“God didn’t make no queer deer. Takes two to make babies.” “OK …” “A man needs to know that he’s responsible for his family, needs to have a family in order to become more of a man. … Any of your homosexual friends grownups? You ain’t got to answer now. I just want you to think about it. … See you for dinner on Saturday. Bring your manners with you.”

And this started a routine of me coming over for Saturday dinners as well as Friday nights. Sarge used to tell me, “Y’all git them feelings for a man, you come to the house. We’ll just talk, and I’ll put you to cutting wood and painting, and we’ll have a beer.” When I asked why a Southern Baptist had beer in the house, he said, “Well, Son, I don’t hide it from the Lord. I don’t get drunk. I like a cold beer now and then, and if I know a fellah’s got a problem with his licker, then I offer him lemonade.”

Sarge taught me how to fish and how to make birdhouses. His wife taught me how to make buttermilk biscuits and how to be a man toward women. I was always invited to church socials and to services on Sunday. Sometimes I went, but I was not convinced.

Sarge helped me get my license for parachute rigging and introduced me to skydiving. He took me hunting with other vets and showed me how to whittle a bit. He never told anyone that I was struggling, but he’d ask me how I was doing with my feelings.

“Y’all gettin’ better these days. I see you lookin’ at the cute forklift driver the other day.”

“Her name is Susan,” I said. “You think she’s pretty?” asked Sarge. “Beautiful red hair, green eyes, and shapely, too,” I reported. Sarge replied, “You sure you used to like boys? You startin’ to sound like a lusty fellow to me!” “I seem to be thinking that from time to time,” I said. “Well you know there’s a proper time for all that sex, don’t you?” “Yeah, yeah. Mrs. B told me it waits till marriage.” “God says so, too. And though I know you ain’t one to talk much about God, I want you to think about Him. I’d like you to know Him personally, too. I got some books for you, cuz I know you’re a thinker. …”

He’d bought some books by Francis Shaeffer and C.S. Lewis for me, and a Bible with lots of ribbons in it marking passages. These were my birthday presents from him and his wife. “You got some reading to do …” I put the books away.

I spent almost two years going to see Sarge, building birdhouses, talking, fishing, going out into the woods for one reason or another. We played catch, rough-housed, and went shooting. Basically I found a dad I could love. When I left for school, he asked about the books. I promised I’d read them. I did. It would be years later before I became a Christian. But I’d stopped having sexual attractions for other men. I knew he and his wife had prayed many a prayer over me. He used to hug me and kissed me on the cheek on the rare occasion. As far as I know, only he and his wife knew of my struggle. They did what no one had done before: loved me, listened to me, helped me as I struggled, and provided for me a stable home and a steady diet of love. I also learned that a man could do many things like cook, sew, and paint and still be a man of character with leadership qualities.

Sergeant Balderidge died about twenty years ago, and his wife followed shortly thereafter. But he had pictures of me, my wife, and my son on his piano at home. To him, I was his son.

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Todd’s Story

Mine is a story of hope. Hope that one day the pain and anguish of homosexual desires would be overcome or taken from me. Deep within my heart and soul throughout my life, I have held to the belief that there had to be an understandable reason for my condition. I have never accepted the idea that I was born this way. I always knew that there had to be an answer to overcoming and being free from the emotional turmoil of same-sex attraction. All my life I have questioned my own gender and sexuality, never understanding why I was attracted to other males and why I was always identifying with and wanting to be a girl. From birth I was confused about my gender and never bonded with my father or any other male role model. As a result, I lived most of my life in a fantasy world, never feeling like I belonged to anyone or anywhere, no matter the circumstances.  

While growing up, I took on the identity of my mother. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to relate to her and bond with her emotionally, all the while unknowingly rejecting my own male identity. As I entered the world of public schools and interaction with others outside my family, I was told over and over again that I was different, a femme, a girl, and eventually a faggot. Each time I heard these cutting words I internalized feelings of being unacceptable and not welcome in the world of boys, that I didn’t belong. As a result, I withdrew into a world of fantasy and loneliness, a world where celebrities were my only friends, though my relationship with them was just through magazines. It was a world filled with sexual fantasy about the very thing I feared most, men. I withdrew from all males around me out of a need for self-preservation and instead looked for comfort in the world of women.

During my teen years the abuse and ridicule from my peers was unbearable. I suffered both verbal and physical abuse for several years in junior high and high school, almost on a daily basis. At the same time, my homosexual desires took hold and eventually grew into a strong and powerful force, shaping the very person I thought I was. I began acting upon my fantasies and sexual urges at the age of 14. By the time I reached 21, I had taken on a new identity as a gay man, living the lifestyle with a lover I thought I would be with forever and finally feeling that I had found myself. 

During the moments when I was having sexual relations with my partner I felt complete, at ease, and free from the emotional pain that had been my constant companion. Unfortunately, that feeling lasted only a few hours after the encounter and I was left with an even deeper pain and increased drive for the next sexual experience. During the periods when I didn’t have a lover, the pain was unbearable. I began contemplating suicide on occasion, feeling that perhaps it was the only path to relief from my emotional turmoil. The wonderful, liberating lifestyle that I had once known was now for me unfulfilling, shallow, empty, and even lonelier.

After several years of struggling emotionally, trying to determine if I wanted to continue living a gay lifestyle, I had an amazing spiritual experience and determined that I could commit to a heterosexual lifestyle. At the age of 26, I married a most remarkable woman, and in time we had three wonderful children together. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried to put it all out of my mind, the homosexual fantasies raged and I found myself emotionally involved with men I associated with at work and at church. For years I had tried to pray my condition away, and had maintained the position that if I clung to my faith and my marriage, then in time God would reward my commitment with relief. 

The time came when I met a fellow employee, David, whom I found extremely attractive physically and emotionally. As he befriended me, I fell head over heels in love with him. Over the course of four years our friendship grew deeper and deeper emotionally. We were put in situations where we worked long hours together, traveled on business trips together frequently, and spent untold hours getting to know each other. I found myself emotionally out of control, even in a daze, from having a male like David in my life. I found myself craving his attention and companionship all the time. When I wasn’t with him I was in emotional agony, and my sexual fantasies about him raged out of control. Finally I had to share with him my reality of struggling with homosexual desires. And I confessed that I was attracted to him not only as a friend but also romantically. 

I expected him to reject me; but to my surprise, this confession only drew us closer. He showed me great compassion and expressed that it didn’t matter to him, that he loved me and wanted me to know that he was there for me, to help me in any way he could.

After 16 years of marriage and struggling to overcome SSA through prayer and Scripture study, I came across Coming Out Straight, by Richard Cohen. This wonderful book came as an answer to prayer during a particularly dark period in my struggle to cope with my desire for David. I had tried everything up to that point in my life to overcome my struggle. I had tried therapy and was left disillusioned, disheartened, and dejected. I was completely on my own. I turned to my religion for answers, and served in prominent positions in my church, all the while struggling to keep my secret hidden. I held to the hope that one day God would take these desires from me if I did my part. 

When I first acquired the book, I read it several times, knowing instantly that its claims were both true and possible. It seemed that every word resonated with my experience. I considered finding a therapist to aid in the process but had little hope that a capable one even existed, given my prior experiences. Upon further reflection, I determined that my only hope was to be my own therapist. When I read in Coming Out Straight that a sexually attractive male offers the best hope for healing, I asked my friend David if he would be willing to be my mentor, which he readily accepted. At the time, neither of us could have comprehended the full scope of what a mentor’s role was in the process of healing. However, I now understand that having a mentor who has been willing to participate 100% at every level of my healing is the No. 1 reason I have been able to find peace and liberation from the conflict.

I tried the best I could to do everything Richard outlined in the book, and over the course of a two-year period made dramatic progress. David and I learned together all the circumstances that can lead to a same-sex attachment disorder (SSAD). We also learned together how the pain and suffering of years of repressed abuse can finally be released and replaced with positive energy and the love of God. As my mentor, David was everything I could ever ask for: kind, loving, gentle, tall, dark, handsome, and incredibly sexually attractive to me. He was everything I had ever dreamed of in the perfect male. And to think that he was the one who was willing to help me through my journey was amazing!

With the book as a guide, I began to understand the challenge that was before me. I established as best I could a support network of other people in my life to help me.  David was my mentor, one of my brothers knew about my SSA, and other men at church who didn’t know about my struggle became my support network. Over the course of time, I asked David to participate with me in holding sessions. This allowed me to release years of pain and suffering and openly weep as he held me like a baby. Each session like this was preceded by instructions from the book as to the purpose and objective of the session. Each time I experienced David’s non-erotic male love, I felt more whole. It was the first time in my life that I had ever felt genuine love from a male. It was the first time I had ever let myself feel loved. It was wonderful and amazing to me that a male was willing and able to share his love with me in this way.

In the beginning, our holding sessions consisted of me sharing about my progress and learning to date, where I was in the journey, and expressing the feelings of pain and sorrow that I had never expressed before. We both read from the book as we learned together how the process works. He would then hold me like a baby and let me feel his love. The result of my first holding session was incredible, and it gave me hope that healing was indeed possible. Over the course of the next two years, I began to unravel the painful years of abuse and rejection that I had both experienced from others and heaped upon myself. All the years of distorted and illogical thinking began to be exposed. Each layer of distorted thinking and belief was identified and released, and true healing was felt for the first time in my life. Each time a new layer was exposed, I would process through the cause and then ask David to help me release the pain. The session would conclude with him holding me closely and telling me how much he loved me, as a father would while holding his infant son.

Eventually I arrived at a point where I felt stuck in a rut. I was no longer making the progress in leaps and bounds as I had in the beginning. Finally, in desperation I reached out to Richard for counseling and direction. Richard was wonderful! He helped me see where I was in the process. He was so encouraging, saying he was amazed at the progress I had made on my own. After an initial assessment, he immediately prescribed a path for me to follow. This involved learning about my inner child, planting seeds of self-acceptance of myself as a male, and continuing my holding sessions with David to uncover more wounds that were still waiting to be identified, exposed, and released.

He advised me to step up my holding sessions with David and helped me understand how to maximize each experience for greater healing. Up to this point I had only participated in five or six holding sessions. Richard recommended doing holding once a week or so, which I tried to follow as much as my schedule would permit. He also taught me in greater depth what was happening on a psychological level during the holding sessions. Since David represented the perfect male to me, seeing him so up close and personal and being held by him brought to the surface all my own feelings of rejection and worthlessness and deep wounds that eventually formed the core beliefs I held about myself. My challenge was to amplify these negative feelings in David’s presence and release them rather than suppress them. This I did and learned how marvelous the outcome was.

As I learned more from Richard, I began to set more specific objectives for each session.  Each session began with prayer, a short discussion on my progress since the last session, and the hoped-for outcome. At first I was extremely uncomfortable, but David’s sensitive nature made it easier for me. During the first session, I felt a major relief after working through issues of abandonment and rejection by my father. The next session dealt with all the abuse I suffered at the hands of my peers during my school years. Each time I felt a little more at peace.

Eventually, I began to recognize deeper and deeper wounds and the beliefs that were instilled in me as a result: my fear of men, my belief that I was a gay male, and my belief that I was really a woman, all came to the surface over time. All these issues were uncovered bit by bit as I participated in these sessions with David.

Learning to communicate my true inner feelings to my mentor, including all those that had been repressed over the years no matter the nature, and still being accepted by him proved to my unconscious that a man loved me. The deep longing for male affection was finally being met and satisfied. These experiences truly formed the foundation of my own belief that I, too, was a male and had finally found acceptance in the world of men. 

I continued to have these kinds of holding sessions with David, and they served to break down the emotional barriers held deep within my unconscious mind … barriers that had been stumbling blocks throughout my life. I now understand that these barriers were the false beliefs that I had held about myself. Once I was able to identify each false concept, I was able to release the repressed pain in David’s presence.

It has now been four years since I had my first holding session with David. In that time there have been many ups and downs along the way, but as I have learned more about the root causes of my same-sex attraction and confronted each one under Richard’s guidance, I have found a most wonderful peace, unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life.  Healing is real. Healing is lasting. And above all, healing is possible for anyone who is determined to find the truth.

I acknowledge the presence of God throughout my entire journey and give thanks unto Him for guiding me through this process with the help of many of His servants. I often wondered why a person such as David would be willing to participate in an experience like this with me. One day I found out. I learned that in the beginning, David also had questions as to whether or not he should help me. He prayed to God for guidance and received the distinct impression that he should help, and that all would work out to the benefit of both.

I am now in a stage where true acceptance of my male identity is firmly taking root. I have never been so comfortable in my own skin or confident in my life, especially in the presence of other men. I am beginning to forgive myself for all the lies I told myself and for believing all the lies others have told me. For the first time in my life I feel like a man.  And nothing has been more satisfying to me emotionally than to realize that I have been one all along. I just didn’t know it. My entire experience has been a confirming witness to me that God loves each of us and seeks to bless our lives if we truly seek Him.

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PARENT'S STORIES

Stuart Saves Stephen’s Life!

In his own words, Stuart shares how he saved his son’s life. He began implementing this plan when his son Stephen was a junior in high school. It is a remarkable journey that gives hope to all. Today Stephen is flourishing in his masculinity and heterosexuality. This proves without a doubt that people are not born with SSA and change is possible!

When Stephen told me he was gay, I thought that it was not my fault, that genetics was really the problem. I thought I was a good dad. So I didn’t say anything at first. I told my wife what he had said, and for the next few nights she’d cry herself to sleep.

For most fathers, there are probably several ways to look at the problem: (1) ignore it and believe it will just go away; (2) embrace it and join PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays); (3) kick the child out of the house; or (4) find a way to help your child understand what homosexuality is, how it occurs, and how to work with the problem in a loving and caring manner without losing your child.

Now, several years later, I can say I have seen all of the above. I have spoken with parents in the quiet recesses of empty classrooms and at backyard barbecues, and while sitting on benches watching sons and daughters sing and dance. All of them intrinsically know that homosexuality is not genetic, but they don’t know what to do. I was just like them in the beginning. I am good at one thing, and that is planning. But before I planned, however, my wife and I did some research.

We went to the Internet, we went to the library, and we talked. We decided that we would love our son but would not endorse homosexuality or homosexual practices.

I bought every book I could on leaving homosexuality. I book marked every website, and I went to see a psychiatrist. Not Stephen, me. I found a doctor who worked with reparative therapy. Dr. Frank was an older gentleman, with whom I spent three sessions learning to understand my son. He told me what he had counseled other parents to do. He also advised me to deal with my own feelings, which I did.

After that, armed with books, pamphlets, printouts, and most of all prayer, I built a plan to help my son.

I was a lousy Christian. I had read a ton of books, from C.S. Lewis to Os Guiness, but my faith was weak. So, once again my wife and I began to attend church. We studied the Bible and showed our son that faith and belief were part of being a man and part of being a family.

So there I was. I read all the books on SSA that I could get my hands on. I talked things out with my wife. I prayed and thanked God for my wonderful son and family. I spoke with Stephen’s older brother and got his input. I implemented a systematic plan to get my son back. And it worked!

After two years of implementing my plan, I now have a son who no longer spends thirty minutes in front of the mirror or has to have clothes from a particular shop. He now clomps around and acts like a male adolescent seeking his own independence and not like a sulky, sullen kid. He also plays catch with his male friends and dates girls. Real dates, not shopping with the girls, as he used to. He even gets irritated with girls and says, “I don’t get her. She acts so weird.” He also helps around the house, mows the lawn, changes oil in the car, helps hang shelves, and barbecues with me.

How did we do it? The plan we put into practice was based on a few things:

My wife had to go into the background and defer to me. That was probably the hardest part of the plan, because she is strong and willful. She was the head of the household but was willing to abdicate her throne. Easier said than done. But she started saying things like, “Talk to your father first. If he says OK, then it is OK.” She supported my decisions. When I used to say “no,” Stephen would go talk to his mom and she would say “yes.” Well, that became, “If Dad said ‘no,’ well then he’s got his reasons. Did you ask him why he said ‘no’?” And so Stephen would have to come talk to me, and my word would be held up. “No” became “no,” and “yes” became “yes.” In time, when Stephen wanted to do something he would ask me, explain his reasons, and we’d talk. I most often said “yes,” because he was responsible. But I always knew where he was and who he was with.

I asked Stephen to forgive me for not including him in the things I did, and for leaving him out. He forgave me in a very tearful scene. Not easy.

I am a workaholic, and I also like to find quiet time away from everything. I really like to be outdoors. But I cut my work schedule back from 60 hours to 45 hours a week and cut my activities. And I got Stephen a job at the company I worked with so that I could spend time with him on the way back and forth to work. For two years, in the summer, we went to work together ... and we just had regular chats.

I spoon-fed information to Stephen in order to counter the GSA influence and the “innate, immutable” lie. I started by saying, “You know, being gay isn’t genetic. It’s environmental.” Then I would recommend a website to him. Later I would ask, “What do you think?” Usually I’d get, “Well, it was interesting.” And then he’d add, “Well, do you think that change is possible?” I told him, “Yes,” and referred him to websites that contained research that documented change.

I would have these types of conversations with him a couple times a month, but not every day. In other words, “being gay” was not the only point of conversation. I was trying to rebuild my relationship with my son. I also went along with my son to his voice lessons, and he would have to pick me up at the fly fishing shop where I spent an hour or so. I have a great friend there whom I told about Stephen’s SSA and he agreed to help me. So when Stephen came in, this bear of a man would clasp Stephen about the shoulder and ask how his singing went. He, too, used to sing a lot. At first Stephen was a bit uncomfortable, but my friend never relented and in fact, had Stephen baby-sit for his son. He was the first adult male to give Stephen a swat in the butt, I think for good grades.

I also enrolled Stephen’s brother, who started to call and talk to him. Usually just guy stuff. He also started taking him places like batting cages and rollerblading. This was all part of my plan to incorporate trusted friends and family to help my son.

In the beginning Stephen used to hang out with kids from the GSA. When they called, I would not tell him. (So I’m a big meanie here, but Stephen had a lot of schoolwork, outside obligations, and a job as well. We encouraged him to continue to keep his platter full. He still does to this day.) I did not say he could not hang out with these kids. Peer groups can be funny things, and I knew that if I said, “These kids are bad for you,” he’d probably continue to hang with them. So I would answer the phone and tell them he wasn’t home. I encouraged Stephen to see his old friends who were not gay and whose families I had known for a long time. I encouraged the dads of these friends to talk to Stephen and so on. I never told them that Stephen thought he was gay. I just said, “Hey Bob, you’re an accountant. You ought to talk to Stephen. He’s getting ready to look at a job, and maybe he’d like what you do.” So I encouraged a lot of males to start talking to him.

A physical relationship was also in order. I began to give him a hug and a kiss as I dropped him off at school. I used Coming Out Straight as a guide for what was appropriate and when it was appropriate. At first Stephen was a little stand-offish. Now he’s hugging a lot of guys when he says good-bye, and these are straight guys. He has also gotten comfortable playing catch, and while I’d like it if he’d take up fishing, I can wait (I’m an avid fisherman) 

Nowadays, he seeks me out to give me a hug and a kiss goodnight. It’s like he needs to be reassured that this is OK between father and son. I also crack his back, and we rough-house from time to time. He and his brother also wrestle when the older brother is home. All in good fun. But all important. So I yell at them and tell them to knock it off before they tear up the living room. Or to take it outside if they’re going to do that stuff. My wife sits quietly by during these times and later will express her displeasure over these things but knows that they are important. 

One day my wife said to me that Stephen felt I was crowding him, so she asked me to back off. I told her that he’d have to tell me that. To this date he has not said that I’m encroaching on his territory. He does include me in his chats, his feelings, to a degree. My family is not big on discussing feelings, but we do talk about moral choices. About God’s absolute rules. We do discuss issues, and we talk about making good choices.

These were not easy things to do: Asking my wife to take a backseat, cutting my hours, committing time to my son, rebuilding a relationship, and confiding in friends to help. I did make a mistake by asking a girl whom Stephen had told that he was gay if she would talk to me about the issue, because I believed that she could help him become straight. She said that she would never help someone go from gay to straight, because it would harm them, that she supported all forms of human sexuality.1 To which I replied, rather callously, “Does that include pedophilia, bestiality, and all other abnormal sexual behaviors?” I then apologized and said that I would not talk to her about it again. I also told Stephen what had happened and apologized, asking for his forgiveness. It is something I caution all parents against. Be aware of who you talk to, and if possible, never mention this to other teenagers. It is not recommended unless there is some kid that you can trust implicitly.

I also used what I had learned from one of my mentors. I taught Stephen how to use tools, how to make things with his hands, how to mow the lawn, change washers in a faucet, hang shelves. I made myself available to him. I kept all my promises and was there to support all of his activities and to show him that a man can sing and dance and be a man. I supported him in learning to throw and hit a baseball. Just this year we watched a baseball game together. It was really a cool experience. We go to the hardware store and get nuts and bolts for little projects. I taught him how to make scones and other things as well. So I shared some of what I had learned from my mentors. I still can’t get him to go fishing yet! I think this is because of his mom, who for years has harped on my fishing ... well, he might still think that she disapproves.

So at the end of two and half years, what has happened? Stephen is not gay. He has said so. All the gay literature is gone from the house. No gay friends call. He has actually decided not to be in plays and shows, saying he doesn’t need to. He also said that he feels that he likes girls, but not like his friend Tim likes them. Tim has a very steady relationship with a girl, and they are probably sexually active. Stephen has a girl that he likes quite a bit, but he doesn’t want to get too involved. He knows what a morally correct, Christian relationship is, and we encourage him not to get too involved.

He is no longer effeminate. He wears ratty blue jeans, swears on occasion, and lost the girly walk. He calls the GSA group a dangerous crowd, and he’s doing well in school. His older brother says, “Don’t worry, Dad. The plan is working. ... He’s going to be all right.” His brother has come to visit him at school, calls him regularly, and sends him a gift from time to time. Stephen is involved at church, and at school he leads retreats and his new roommates are all jocks of some sort. From basketball to rowing, he’s got three straight guys who whack him on the shoulder, and he whacks them back. His old buddies hang out at the house, and Stephen plays catch with them or goes out to do stuff with them.

My wife likes me to be in charge of things now. I like it, too. Things became more complete when we put the plan into place. It is not easy. It takes love and dedication, and you feel like you’re pouring all of yourself into this child. But in reality, you’re giving this child what they need: a dad, a male presence, a sense of order, a sense of masculinity. You’re helping to make a new man, and it changes you as a person. Some of their “sweetness” rubs off on you, and your maleness flows into them.

I must admit that Stephen is a different person from two and a half years ago. He lounges on the furniture, he gives off the attitude of being the dominant male in the household, he is not so sweet and nice, and in all honesty ... well, at times I miss the “nice, sweet” kid. His mother wants to swat him from time to time, and he and I have our disagreements. He gets kind of lazy about his room and clothes, and things get flung around now. He threw a ball at me from the living room to the dining room, he dresses like a refugee from a thrift shop, and he never wears shoes if he can help it. Instead he prefers a pair of ratty flip-flops. He leaves wet towels lying around, and sits around in his boxers watching Saturday morning cartoons or playing video games.

Yes, it’s been an interesting time—a great time for Mom and Dad. And now I’ve got my son. God blessed this family as we kept God in the forefront of all we did with daily prayers and hopes and also asking others to pray for Stephen. I know that there are miracles, and this is one of them. God answers prayers in a lot of ways, but I believe that He honors hard work, a changed heart, and a loving family.

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John & Mary's Story: A Daughter's Homecoming

We found out about Sarah’s SSA when she was 14 years old. She returned from college one day and told us she was having an affair with another girl in her youth group. We responded negatively, thinking that homosexuality was worse than murder. We also believed that homosexuality was a choice. We thought she had chosen this herself.

Instead of compassion and sympathy, we responded in judgment. We told her, “You’ll go to hell. This is sinful behavior.” We had various arguments after that. She moved out and closer to the gay community downtown. She felt much better with them. There she was accepted.

We spent four years in that situation. We helped her out financially, but were at odds about everything else. There was no connection. She revealed to us later that she just wanted us to drive down there, especially Mom, and pick her up and take her home. She told us that she had gone through the most brutal experiences of her life while living in the gay community. She said, “Mom and Dad, you threw me to the wolves!” We know that she hasn’t told us everything yet. … She felt abandoned and left alone by the two people she loved and needed the most. She even contemplated suicide but didn’t because she thought it would hurt us too deeply! She was truly a child looking for love in all the wrong places because we didn’t understand her in the ways that she needed at the time. We didn’t love her as God loved her. We told her how we wanted her to be, and how we needed her to conform to our demands. And it sent her straight into the arms of the sad gay world. We would be friendly one minute, then get angry the next and say things like, “Why are you living this horrible lifestyle?” We were critical of her friends and never socialized with them.

Two and half years ago, we were going to buy a house. The spirit of God moved us to ask her if she wanted to live with us. She said she would if her girlfriend could live there, too. Somehow we agreed. That was the beginning of reestablishing our relationship. But it lacked relational substance. We were still locked into the mindset that this was rebellious and chosen behavior. This produced anger and judgment, and caused us to not connect in the ways that she needed. We continued to neglect her essential needs for love.

Our church was very judgmental about homosexuality. We didn’t feel comfortable to speak with anyone about this, so we ended up leaving. We felt alone, in pain and anguish. We quit going to church and tried desperately to find a place where we belonged.

A big break came when her girlfriend charged our credit card for thousands of dollars! Our daughter had the strength to throw her out of the house. We asked Sarah to see a counselor who was a friend of ours from church. She finally agreed to see him once, and then began having regular sessions.

In late 2004, we said we must do something because we were in deep despair. I (Dad) went to my office one Saturday morning. I found in my desk drawer, among a group of papers, a letter to the editor I had kept for years that mentioned homosexuality. I had this piece of paper for so long it had turned brown! I believe this was Divine intervention. In that article it mentioned PFLAG and PFOX. I eventually went to the PFOX website and spoke with Regina Griggs, their national director. She told me about Richard Cohen. That was the beginning of our enlightenment.

Before Christmas of that year, we were going around in circles and getting nowhere. It was hurting our marriage. Our hearts had darkened until we met Richard. Then we participated in the Parents Teleconferencing Classes and attended a Love/Sex/Intimacy (LSI) Healing Seminar. The suffering and pain of the SSA strugglers at that healing seminar opened our eyes. We saw them crying and realized that our daughter felt the same way!

During the past eight months, we have progressed more than in the last six years. Last night, our daughter called saying, “I feel so much pain. Can I come over and share with you?” This would never have happened before. The turning point was realizing the truth about homosexuality. We finally understood that our daughter never chose to have same-sex attraction. We came to realize that SSA resulted from many of her life experiences and perceptions about events.

The truth lifted the veil of ignorance from our minds and allowed our hearts to love our daughter the way that she needed. The truth has set us free. Sarah recently said, “I haven’t felt your love in six years. I feel closer to you now than ever before.”

When we understood that she wasn’t born this way and did not choose to have SSA, we were able to move from anger and judgment to compassion and love. This was the greatest lesson we learned in the Teleconferencing Classes and by attending the LSI Healing Seminar. There we witnessed the wounded hearts of so many men and women who struggle with same-sex attraction. We gained such a greater appreciation for our daughter.

Most of us have been led to believe that people are born gay or lesbian. But this is not true. When we deeply understood this critical point, we began to love our daughter without reservation. Over the past months, we have spent so many days and nights listening to Sarah vent. Saying the magic words, “Thank you, Sarah. Tell us more,” has allowed us to witness the tremendous pain of our daughter. We have gone to hell and back with her, and shall continue to do so as long as necessary. Our daughter is now bonding with us on a daily basis. She attends therapy regularly, and believe it or not, she is dating a fine young man! Yes, she is dating a MAN.

Sarah followed every step in recovery that we had learned. She was a textbook case. She said, “I was receiving emotional gratification from my girlfriend and not you, Mom. I never connected with you.” She was in deep turmoil as she shared these things. We kept repeating, “Thank you, Sarah. Tell us more.” What came out of her mouth was exactly what was taught. She said she felt rejected by me (Mom), and that I had left her all alone. If we had not understood the causes of SSA, and how our daughter’s unique temperament led to her perceptions, we would have been so defensive. But because we did understand that this is how she experienced the past, we could simply say, “Thank you, Sarah. Tell us more.”

We would never have been able to do this in the past. We would have definitely spent the entire time defending ourselves and telling her why she was wrong. We learned how to use the magic words, “Thank you, Sarah. Tell us more,” and they worked! We realized that we couldn’t argue our daughter out of homosexuality. It is an emotionally based condition. It is all about wounds. And without healing, she could not change her behavior. Today, she is healing. She is opening up. She has come a million miles in such a short time. We had a chance to pull her out of this when she first came out to us. If we had known then what we know now, we could have helped her heal and prevented all these miserable things from happening. Because we did not understand the truth about SSA, and how our daughter thinks, we did all the wrong things. We all paid a dear price, she much worse than us. Now, no matter what she does or where she goes, we will love her unconditionally.

We are now involved with our local PFOX chapter and are sharing with them the wonderful things we have learned. We wish to help other parents so they don’t make the same mistakes that we did. We try to impress upon them that they need to go to hell and back with their kids. There is just no other way. This is a battle of love, and whoever loves the most and longest wins!

Now we understand so much more. We love her in different ways. There is both blessing and frustration along the way. We learned to understand our daughter and about others as well. Sarah and everyone with SSA have gone through so much pain. We just want to take it all away. Part of healing is repenting for past mistakes and loving in the present. We cannot change what happened. We can only love our daughter today. We realize that we compounded the problem by judging her when she was down and out. Our true repentance now is to love her more and more each day.

Note: Shortly after writing this testimony, Sarah faced the woman who abused her as a teen. At first, her parents thought she might become involved with her once again. But Sarah saw how deeply wounded and bitter this young lady was. That was the greatest testimony to her about the unhappiness of the so-called “gay” life. After experiencing more healing individually and with her parents, Sarah began dating. Eventually, she met a wonderful man and they married in the summer of 2006. Her parents were amazed at the transformation they all experienced. Dreams can come true!   

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Father Son Reconciliation

I am returning the materials I borrowed in 2001. So much time has passed since then and so much has happened. When I first came, my son was 13 and his father detested him. Now my son is 15, and his father is his biggest fan.

The turning point for me was reading Coming Out Straight. I have never read anything sadder than that. I shared the info with my husband, and he started making changes in his attitude. He has taken our son on several trips, played sports with him, talked with him, and listened in a non-judgmental way. Most of all, he stopped rejecting him. Now when he looks at our son, it is a look of love, not dissatisfaction. He understands why our son is this way and what can be done to lead him out into the fullness of his person.

You have no idea what kind of difference it makes in our son’s behavior. At first, of course, our son rejected his father’s affection. Not used to it and in general uncomfortable around males, he did not like being touched and he didn’t know how to react. It took us a year of patience, trials, and failures until our son started emerging out of his shell. He actually goes to his father to tell him different things, something so simple, yet completely unheard of before. For the first time in his life he feels comfortable with his father and himself. At the age of 14, our son referred to his father as “my dad” for the first time in his life. Before, he tried calling his father by his first name, or referred to him as “mom’s husband.” For me, that day was more important than the day my son learned to walk. Because in a way this was the day my son took his first step as the person God had created him to be.

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Matt & Lisa's Story: Persistence is the Parent's Path to Victory

My wife and I are Lutheran pastors. We attended a presentation that Richard made two weeks after our son told us, with much anguish and many tears, that he was attracted to the same sex. Although we believed that people were born that way, we did not want it to be so for him, because of the potential persecution and agony that he would undoubtedly endure in living out his inborn sexuality. But we never admitted to either one of our children that we had not been able to reconcile our belief with the Scriptures.

We went to hear Richard talk about homosexuality. We sat near the back so we could leave “if things got too weird.” His impassioned testimonial about his thirty-year struggle with unwanted same-sex attractions touched our hearts and minds on a level never before experienced. Though we initially squirmed when he said, “No one is born with SSA, and people can change,” this made sense of a lot of what we had experienced as a family while raising our son and our daughter. As we left the hall, we were speechless.

We purchased Coming Out Straight, and that night we went home and haltingly shared this radical new learning with our son. He was furious at our interest in this approach and extremely angry that we would even consider a new direction, but thankfully, he was willing to listen.

My wife and I read the book and found our family’s reality described on most of its pages. How blind we had been! We had all wholeheartedly bought into the “born that way and can’t change” myth. We realized, in fact, that this myth had permeated our seminary education and theological underpinnings. These new ideas challenged that myth. We also discovered a loving truth that accurately makes sense of the Scriptures. We knew that God was indeed a God of love and possibility, and not a God of ignorance or avoidance. We had avoided facing the truth that we could not reconcile with the Scriptures, but we also knew that love was the answer and not prideful judgment or shame. We had been uncomfortable with particular groups, churches, and denominations that had called homosexuality a sin and said that it could be “prayed away.” We knew that wasn’t quite right either.

Although our son was very angry that we had done a 180, he was willing to read the book, and we could tell that he was finding meaning in some of the things that he was reading. Of the ten different potential variables that cause SSA, we realized that we could relate to eight of them. We decided to proceed to the Washington, D.C. area for a family healing session with Richard. We were so grateful that our son was willing to attend. It was one of the most incredible experiences of our lives. Though we have always cared for each other with a fierce love, we realized through attachment therapy that the dynamics of our relationship as husband and wife and pastor and pastor had profoundly affected our children. In particular, it had contributed to our son’s same-sex attraction. Furthermore, some of our wounds and childhood needs were excavated, and we began to see how these influenced our son’s detachment from me and over-attachment to his mother.

I began to come to terms with the fact that I had a distant relationship with my father. Because of that, I tend to remain at a distance or emotionally unavailable. That was my preferred method of coping as a child and later as an adult. My wife realized that she had come from a long line of matriarchs and that, in some cases, men were subtly emasculated. She had also experienced abandonment and rejection issues as a child, which led her to be a needy adult. She realized that she had inadvertently expected our son to take care of some of those needs. Attachment therapy exposed some of our blind spots and changed our lives in ways we never before imagined.

Although it was difficult at first, my wife took a backseat with regard to our family. At times she would be silent at the table, and that allowed my son and me to converse in a way that we had not done before. As for me, I began to concentrate on being emotionally present. I practiced active listening and tried not to react, but rather respond with questions. I realized that it was more important for me to be in relationship with him than to be right all the time. My own heart and self-care have been of foremost importance to the healing process. My inner child was parented in unhealthy ways. Now he is seeking to come out and teach me important lessons. I am learning to more fully celebrate the process of becoming the man God created me to be. My wife is keenly aware of becoming the woman God created her to be as well. We realized that our son’s bravado in sharing his same-sex attraction was the release our family needed to begin the process toward healing and wholeness.

We finally got real with each other, and this allowed our son to begin to express his childhood wounds and unmet needs. He began to share his hell with us. He told us what it was like to sustain peer rejection and criticism. We knew he had a sensitive spirit and that both of our children were confused about male and female gender roles within the family. My wife and I are now taking responsibility for our past failures and our family is much closer to healing and wholeness.

As part of our family treatment plan, I held my son several times a week. Most often, he just sat there, not wanting to be in my presence or arms. But I determined to win him back! In all honesty, it was exhausting. And, there were many set backs along the way. After one year of doing this, he found a boyfriend. So I thought, “OK, this isn’t working.” And I quit holding my son.

After one week he came to me and said, “Dad, I feel so hurt that you gave up on me and stopped the holding.” I was shocked. I was humbled. And I determined not to quit this time, no matter what. And so we resumed our weekly holding sessions. Even though he still had a boyfriend, I fought hard to win him back. In time, that relationship did fall apart.

Our son graduated high school and went on to train with a professional theatrical company. He was steeped in the “gay” world, but extremely unhappy. And then a miracle occurred. He met a wonderful group of men and women from a church that surrounded him with incredible love and affirmation. They invited him to move into a house with other youth group members. And so he did. More and more, while receiving the same-gender peer affirmation and attention he had never experienced in his life, we saw the walls around his heart melting day-by-day. Our son was coming alive, in fact he was blossoming and his faith was rekindled for the first time in years.

Now he is determined to heal from his SSA. He himself requested another family healing session in order to resolve the remaining issues he has with us and within himself. Recently he came home and has been sharing his new found faith and freedom with his close friends. He even stood up during one church service and gave his testimony— making the journey from a broken and wounded adolescent struggling with same-sex attraction, to a strong and committed son of God coming into his power as a man. This new reality is a blessing beyond measure.

We are still dealing with our feelings of anger over the myth and how it ruins so many lives and robs so many people of their true personhood. We are grateful that we can harness some of that anger and channel it toward helping other people realize that change is possible. My wife and I are coming to terms with our new learning and reflecting upon the way that the myth affected our family, our theological education, and our church family. We have hope. Our family is now experiencing newfound joy, healing, and wholeness. Thank God.

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A Mother’s Journey

When we were invited to our pastor’s office, we knew our son Andy was having some sort of difficulty with the church he had attended for over twenty years. Andy had been in a Bible study with our pastor. They had memorized chapters of the Bible together and developed a strong friendship. But now we saw a change in Andy’s church attendance, and he no longer attended the Bible study. He seemed to have anger toward the pastor and the church in general.

What we heard that day left us numb with shock and full of confusion. We learned that Andy was involved in a relationship with a young man in the community. Our pastor had tried to help him and had encouraged him to talk to us about the abuse he had suffered at the age of 14 when he spent time with Adam, his youth leader, at Adam’s home. When the pastor asked Andy why he had not told us about the incident, he indicated that he was in some kind of bondage that kept him from discussing it with us. The pastor asked Andy, who is now a policeman, to confront the youth leader, but he did not have the courage to do that.

When, Jim confronted Adam in the pastor’s office, it was one of the hardest things he had ever done. Adam had become Jim’s closest friend over the past fifteen years. The shock of these revelations lasted for more than a year. We made lots of mistakes, but we did some things right, including building a support team to talk to and pray with. Our pastor fasted and prayed with us for forty days. He came to our home often to share and help us through the difficult days.

We learned everything we could about SSA and sex abuse. We attended a Love Won Out conference that helped us, but we needed assistance for our family and ourselves. After counseling with two different therapists, we were thankful to find some real help in the books Coming Out Straight and Gay Children, Straight Parents. For the first time we had questions answered, and we understood more about the incident and how it derailed him on his road to manhood in his early teens. We stopped blaming ourselves and each other, and started working on solving the problem.

One of the most helpful experiences was taking the Parents Teleconferencing Classes. We had had our doubts, but eventually sought counseling from Richard. Jim was a self-proclaimed “homophobe.” As much as he loves our son, he felt he could never accept him as he was. He felt uncomfortable spending time with Andy and his friends. He often felt so discouraged that he struggled with depression. 

I was amazed at Jim’s change of heart after the first session. We found help in many areas, mostly communication with our son.  We learned it was important to listen to our son and ask questions. As part of our homework, we have written a plan for healing for our family and our son. I have a prayer partner who prays with me daily for Andy. We have learned we need to share our experience with friends and family members we trust. We are working on helping Jim and Andy build a strong father-son bond. They are hoping to go to a Father/Son Healing Conference in Baltimore in August.

Andy has come to enjoy his dad’s hugs. Jim is learning to express his love verbally. Andy is once again memorizing Scripture and asks me to pray with him. He is playing hymns on the piano. We continue to visualize him whole and free of SSA. We have a long way to go but no longer feel helpless and out of control. We are able to talk to people about same-sex attachment disorder and help them understand the truth about the problem. We are thankful to God for His leading, and today we are helping a support group in our church for men with SSA.

International Healing Foundation
P.O. Box 901, Bowie, MD 20718
Tel. (301) 805-6111 / Fax (301) 805-5155
Email: info@gaytostraight.org