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Chapter 4

Process of Healing: Four Stages of Recovery

“The descender makes an exit—from ordinary and respectable life—through the wound. The wound now is thought of as a door. . . . The way down and out doesn’t require poverty, homelessness, physical deprivation, dishwasher work, necessarily, but it does seem to require a fall from status, from a human being to a spider, from a middle-class person to a derelict. The emphasis is on the consciousness of the fall.”¹

Robert Bly

Through my own journey of healing, and through twelve years of helping others, I have developed a four-stage model of recovery. It has proved successful for those who sincerely desire to change. This process applies to those who have been actively homosexual as well as those who have not engaged in sexual activity but are experiencing same-sex desires.

Marriage is not the solution for anyone who has homosexual feelings, because a woman can never meet the homo-emotional needs of a man, and a man can never meet the homo-emotional needs of a woman.2 In the process of recovery, first a man must heal with other men, and a woman must heal with other women.

Before I sought help, some of my well-intentioned friends told me, “Richard, just find the right woman and she’ll straighten you out,” or “Just pray hard enough, and God will take it all away. If not, then you’re doing something wrong.” Well, I wish it would have been that simple, but it was not. I prayed and prayed for God to take the desires away, but He did not. I married, hoping it would straighten me out, but the same-sex desires only intensified. I came to understand that I had been praying the wrong prayer for nearly twenty years. What I needed to pray was: “God, please show me the meaning of my same-sex desires.” Later, I understood that God would never take them away, because they had a deeper meaning that I needed to discover, heal, and ultimately fulfill in healthy, non-sexual relationships.

I have divided the process of healing into four stages:

• Stage One: Transitioning

• Stage Two: Grounding

• Stage Three: Healing the Homo-Emotional Wounds

• Stage Four: Healing the Hetero-Emotional Wounds

This is a linear and developmental model. However, it does not work as neatly and cleanly as I am about to describe. The individual in transition may jump from Stage One to Stage Three, back to Stage Two, then to Stage One again. It all depends upon the growth, maturity, and needs of the individual in recovery.

The benefit of having this four-stage model is that it represents a road map of recovery. If someone jumps from Stage One to Stage Three, he will eventually need to return to the previous stage and continue to work on and work through those necessary tasks. It’s like taking a trip by car from New York to California. Somewhere around Chicago, he remembers a very painful experience he had as a child while living in Wisconsin. So he boards a plane, goes to Wisconsin, takes care of healing that wound, and gets back on a plane, returning once again to Chicago. Then he continues on the road from Chicago to California.

You may think, if he could fly from Chicago to Wisconsin, then why can’t he just fly from New York to California and do away with the road trip altogether? There are no shortcuts in life when it comes to matters of the heart. In the process of healing, he is reclaiming his lost self, those parts of his character that he has either buried or not even met yet. This takes time, patience, and diligent effort. The price is high to get one’s life back, but the rewards are well worth the efforts. Without such efforts, I would not be alive today. Those who try to fly without doing their groundwork may end up crashing in mid-air.

The following parallel stages summarize this treatment plan:

• Stage One: Behavioral therapy

• Stage Two: Cognitive therapy and inner-child healing

• Stage Three: Psychodynamic therapy: Healing same-sex wounds

• Stage Four: Psychodynamic therapy: Healing opposite-sex wounds

Often “the process of healing goes from bad, to worse, and then better.”3 People come into counseling in crisis when they feel bad. As they discover the source(s) of the problem(s), things get worse as they experience the pain. Finally, things get better when healing occurs and they experience love.

• Cutting off from sexual behavior

• Developing a support network

• Building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship with God

• Continuing with the support network

• Continuing to build self-worth and experience value in relationship with God

• Building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills, problem-solving techniques

• Beginning inner-child healing: identifying thoughts, feelings, and needs

• Continuing all tasks of Stage Two

• Discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds

• Beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility

• Developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships

• Continuing all tasks of Stage Two

• Discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds

• Continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility

• Developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships and learning about the opposite sex

©Richard Cohen, M.A., January 1999

In Stage One, the individual realizes that he has a problem and wants help. Perhaps he tried to suppress his homosexual feelings unsuccessfully. Perhaps he married, hoping his same-sex desires would disappear, but they have not. Perhaps in the midst of many relationships, he feels empty, hurt, and frustrated. Perhaps he is very young and confused about his sexual orientation. There are many different scenarios, but the underlying common denominator is a deep desire to change. It does not matter if the individual is thirteen or seventy-three. Change is possible at any age. A key factor for change is personal motivation. Without a deep-seated commitment to change, the process of healing is virtually impossible.

In Stage One, there are three tasks:

FIRST TASK: CUTTING OFF FROM SEXUAL BEHAVIOR

In the transitional phase, the individual needs to cut ties with old playgrounds, playmates, and playthings:

1. Playgrounds—Not go to the places where he associated with homosexual men or homosexual behavior, such as bars, bathrooms, pornographic movies, and parks (anyplace he could engage in homosexual activity).

2. Playmates—Cut ties with homosexual friends and partners. Not associate with anyone who will tempt or seduce him into homosexual activity.

3. Playthings—Not purchase pornography or any other homosexual paraphernalia associated with homosexual behavior.

It is equally important to cut ties with sources of negative influence in the world. He may temporarily avoid reading papers and magazines and listening to news reports that support and encourage homosexuality. He needs to surround himself with voices of affirmation and hope. This may seem quite radical to some. Later, I will explain more clearly why it is necessary to separate from these external activities and negative influences.

SECOND TASK: DEVELOPING A SUPPORT NETWORK

The central organizing factor(s) in the life of anyone experiencing same-sex attractions may be homosexual relationships, sexual fantasies, compulsive masturbation, hangouts (bars, baths, parks, restrooms), or pornography. It is insufficient to tell someone to cut off these relationships and behaviors. It is important to realize that these people, places, and things represent a legitimate need for the individual. The drive for bonding is genuine. However, only healthy, healing, loving, nonsexual relationships will fulfill the deeper needs. A support network must be developed to provide the nurturance and healing environment in which he may heal from past wounds and receive proper love, guidance, and encouragement. Healthy relationships and healthy behaviors replace sexual behavior or fantasies.

The support network may consist of, but not be limited to, family, friends, and spouse; spiritual community; support groups; telephone, e-mail, visiting people, mentors; exercise, diet, sports, therapeutic massage; study of literature; and counseling. Meditation, prayer, and spiritual food will be discussed in the following section.

SUPPORT NETWORK

Support from parents, brothers or sisters, relatives, spouse, and close friends will aid in this process of change. When the channels of communication are open, it is good for him to share about his situation and needs. If communication is difficult at this time, perhaps in the future he may create that opportunity.

There are basically four types of friendships that will aid in the process of healing:

1) Heterosexual friends that know about the struggle and are supportive;

2) Heterosexual friends that do not know about the struggle and are good friends;

3) Mentors who assist in the process of reparenting the individual; and

4) Fellow strugglers who are coming out of homosexuality.

An attraction to a heterosexual friend is a perfect opportunity for healing and growth. “Heterosexual, sexually attractive male friendships with men for whom the client feels an erotic attraction offer the greatest opportunity for healing. Only through such associations can there be the transformation from erotic attractions to true friendship—that is, the demystifying of the distant male. . . . This transformational shift from sexual to fraternal (i.e.,

eros to philia) is the essential healing experience of male homosexuality.”4

The spiritual community must involve itself in the healing process of these brave men, women, and adolescents who wish to change. Those who wish to come out of homosexuality may not accomplish this without the help of others. They need time, touch, and talk. True and lasting healing will take place when God’s love is manifest and experienced through people.

The 12-step movement has developed so powerfully because of the inability of the religious community to successfully solve the problems of men, women, and children. Therefore, the time is overdue for children of God to stand up for each other and be honest about their heartaches, headaches, and pains. We must reach out and put our faith into practice.

Transitioning support groups: These are support groups of individuals involved in the same process of healing. It may be a gender-specific group—all men or all women—but this is not necessary. It is important that this group be facilitated by either 1) someone who has transitioned successfully and has been “sexually sober” for at least three or more years; and/or 2) someone who understands the process of healing homosexuality.

Twelve-step support groups: Other support groups that may be helpful if there are any other addictive behaviors include:

• SA—Sexaholics Anonymous

• AA—Alcoholics Anonymous

• NA—Narcotics Anonymous

• CODA—Codependents Anonymous

• SIA—Survivors of Incest Anonymous

• HA—Homosexuals Anonymous

Make sure that any recovery group under consideration is not a group specifically for “gays and lesbians.” The person in transition should be aware that the prevailing attitude of the mental-health profession and recovery movement is “gay affirmative therapy,” or in support of being homosexual. In some of these 12-step groups, many members or their leaders will say to the individual, “It’s OK, just accept who you truly are, just be gay, stop fighting it.” This is the danger of attending other recovery groups. The individual must bring his own agenda into the group. He must state clearly his personal desire to come out of homosexuality, asking the group members to support him in this quest. If the group cannot honor and support this desire, then it is not a safe place for him to be. The issue here is self-determination versus social advocacy. Any individual coming out of homosexuality must be clear about his intentions, rather than following what others think he should or should not do.

I have a great appreciation for 12-step groups. I do, however, have one bias. In the beginning stages of group work the individual is asked to identify with his presenting problem. For example he repeats, “Hello. My name is Richard, and I am a rageaholic.” I understand the psychology behind this methodology is to bring someone out of denial and into the light. However, after some time in recovery, after he accomplishes some stability and works through the denial phase, I believe it is important to make a shift in identification. He then says, “Hello. My name is Richard, and I am a son of God.” Now, the focus is not on behavior but on being, on inherent value.

• EXODUS International—Umbrella organization for Ex-Gay Christian Ministries

• Homosexuals Anonymous (HA)—Christian-based recovery network

• Courage/Encourage—Catholic Ex-Gay Ministry/Parent’s Ministry

• JONAH—Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality

• Evergreen International—Mormon Ex-Gay Ministry

• Transforming Congregations—Methodist Ex-Gay Ministry

• One by One—Presbyterian Ex-Gay Ministry

• PFOX—Christian ministry for parents, spouses, family members, and friends

• Pastoral Care Ministries—Recovery through healing prayer

Men’s or women’s groups: Joining a same-sex group will help those in recovery relate with members of their own gender in healthy, nonsexual ways. They will learn new ways to be with men and women, gaining more confidence in themselves. There may be a men’s council and women’s support groups in the area. Many religious organizations have same-gender support groups.

There will be many ups and downs along the way. Discontinuing old behaviors, relationships, and hangouts will leave him feeling insecure, lonely, and vulnerable. Therefore, when in need, he must be able to reach out to any number of people. The recovering person must develop a phone/e-mail list consisting of people in his support network. The support network constitutes his new family of choice.

Physical exercise is important for individuals coming out of homosexuality. Many are quite disassociated from their bodies. Exercise, diet, and sports help to heal many body-image wounds and peer wounds. It is important for the person in recovery to learn to be at ease with himself among peers through related same-sex activities.

“Abstaining from caffeine is helpful. Caffeine is a psychomotor stimulant and causes the hypothalamus to increase fear, anger, and sexual drive. Drinking decaffeinated beverages in recovery is helpful because any feelings may lead a sex addict to act out. Not drinking caffeine will heighten emotional well-being and a feeling of emotional stability,” according to Dr. Christopher Austin.5

Working with an experienced massage therapist may accelerate the healing process. Therapeutic massage is a tool to release and heal the pains locked in the musculature of the body of a physically or sexually abused person. It is important that the individual ground himself in the first two stages of recovery before using this method of healing. It is equally important to work with the right massage therapist—someone who is safe, sensitive, knowledgeable, experienced with survivors of abuse, and secure in his own gender identity. It may be helpful for the mentor to accompany the individual to his session and/or make sure the therapist is safe.

Bibliotherapy is the study of related literature. There are excellent books on the causes and treatment of homosexuality. Reading such books will help him understand what he is going through and help him identify causal factors that lead him into sexual behavior or fantasies. Studying appropriate literature on healing homosexuality is extremely helpful.

It is important to find a therapist who understands the nature of homosexuality and the process of healing. Such a counselor needs to establish a very close relationship with the client. Maintaining a distant or aloof therapeutic relationship merely exacerbates the already-present defense detachment in the individual. A Same-Sex Attachment Disorder contraindicates the use of authoritarianism.

I strongly recommend a same-sex counselor during the first three stages of healing. A counselor of the opposite sex will be appropriate in the final stage. First, men need to heal with men, and women need to heal with women. The therapist must be firm and embracing, teach many skills, and assist in the process of grieving. “Be more than a therapist and less than a friend.”6

The best therapist is one who has done his own work, healing past and present wounds. One can only take someone as far as he has gone himself. One cannot give or share what he has not experienced personally. It is unnecessary for the therapist to have been a former homosexual person. However, he needs to have dealt with his own issues and achieved some success and victories in his personal life. Murray Bowen, the father of Family Systems Therapy, said he believed no one should earn a degree in counseling until healing with one’s family members, becoming a mature adult with both Father and Mother.

These activities and relationships from the support network make up the new central organizing factors in the life of the individual coming out of homosexuality. For those with a strong will and ability to self-discipline, developing this support network may be difficult yet achievable. For those with a weak will and a more fragile ego structure, developing this support network may be too difficult. They will need more assistance and community support to supplement their lack of discipline and lack of willpower. They will not be able to make it alone. It takes a family and a community to raise a child. It also takes a community to heal one.

THIRD TASK: BUILDING SELF-WORTH AND

EXPERIENCING VALUE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Today significant emphasis is placed on sexual identity and sexual behavior. One primary cause of this preoccupation is the lack of intimacy within the family. The pursuit of sex then becomes a substitute for love. If children are deprived of their parents’ attention, affection, and affirmation, they will compensate for those losses in a variety of ways: performance-based behavior and/or workaholism, overachievement, over-responsibility, codependent relationships, rebelliousness, and drug/alcohol/sexual/gambling/religious addictions.

Another important reason for increased emphasis on sexual activity is a lack of spirituality, a lack of relationship with God, our vertical parents. Without experiencing parents’ love, and without experiencing God’s love, an individual will never experience or understand his value. “It is an established fact that nobody is born with the ability to love himself.... Self-love is either acquired or it is nonexistent. The one who does not acquire it or who acquires it insufficiently either is not able to love others at all or to love them only insufficiently. The same would be true for such a person in his relationship with God.”7

Value comes from being loved, not from doing, not from accomplishments, and not from physical appearance. True and lasting value comes from simply being loved. One of the first tasks of recovery is to de-emphasize either homosexual or heterosexual identity and emphasize true identity as a son or daughter of God.

Beneath these man-made terms relating to sexual behavior is the essence of life: a child’s longing for love. It is imperative to reinforce on a daily basis the individual’s value that comes from God, the source of life and love.

Meditation, study, prayer, and affirmations are tools to assist in this process. Wounding programs the mind, heart, body, and spirit with unhealthy and destructive messages. We are constantly being bombarded by negative messages around us. We have all heard, “You can’t,” “You shouldn’t,” “You won’t,” “It’s impossible,” “People are born this way,” and so on. The news, reported on TV, in newspapers and magazines, and on the radio, revolves around the misfortune of others, not the noble or uplifting qualities of life. The talk-show format exemplifies the exploitation of the pain and suffering of others. Today, the media and entertainment industry promote the acceptance of homosexuality. Cutting off these sources of negativity is important in the beginning stages of healing, i.e., do not watch particular TV shows, do not attend particular movies, do not read particular magazines and newspapers. Through meditation, study, prayer, and affirmations, we infuse our body, spirit, and soul with positive messages of truth and love.

We must emphasize inherent value as a child of God in this and the subsequent stages of healing. “ . . . Every homosexual is a latent heterosexual.”8 Those who find themselves experiencing same-sex attractions are merely late bloomers. They are latent heterosexuals stuck in an early stage of psychosexual development. When the mental and emotional walls break down, the natural process of growth will ensue, and so will heterosexual desires.

In summary, the three main tasks that need to be accomplished in Stage One are: 1) cutting off sexual behaviors; 2) developing a support network; and 3) building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship with God. It is important for all involved to realize that in this stage, and the stages to follow, the person in recovery is likely to become very dependent. A lack of healthy attachment with parents creates the Same-Sex Attachment Disorder (SSAD). Therefore, in the first few years of recovery, there will be a great need for the active participation of others. It is important to build a strong support network and not just rely on one person.

Alex was the youngest of four children. His older brother was Jason, and his older sisters were Becky and Sarah, respectively. He lived in Ohio where his father worked for a large corporation and his mother was a housewife. Alex never got along well with his dad. His father was prone to outbursts of anger, especially when he drank, which increased as Alex got older. His mother would lament about her disappointments with her husband while holding Alex in her arms. A sensitive child by nature, Alex experienced her pain and suffering as though it were his own. More and more, Alex aligned himself with his mother and grew to hate his neglectful and abusive father.

Jason was the athlete of the family. He was a natural at baseball, basketball, and football. Alex felt that he could not measure up to Jason’s athletic prowess. As his mom’s favorite, he was more inclined to the arts and reading. He would watch as Jason and his friends played sports, wishing that he, too, was just one of the guys. Alex played with his sisters and felt more comfortable in their world. When his dad saw him playing games with his sisters, he called him a “faggot” and “sissy.” “You’re going to grow up to be one of the girls,” his dad would comment. He never spent any quality time with his son. When at home, his dad hid behind the newspaper or watched TV. Often he would not come home until late. He was out drinking with his buddies.

Alex began to experience same-sex attractions in the last few years of elementary school. He always envied the boys who were more athletic and competent. He longed to be just like them. During puberty, those feelings became eroticized as he imagined having sexual relations with the classmates he admired. He dared not share those thoughts and feelings with his family. His dad already considered him a sissy, and his brother would frequently beat him up. Jason and Alex’s dad had an antagonistic relationship. They related through arguments and fistfights. Alex wanted no part of that, so he remained an outsider, alone in his fantasies about men.

A neighbor introduced Alex to masturbation, and eventually they became frequent sex partners. Alex felt ashamed of these activities. He and his family attended church weekly. He knew that homosexuality was wrong, but his feelings were so powerful. The guilt was tremendous, but his need for male intimacy was even greater. The relationship with the neighbor continued throughout junior high school until he moved away. Then Alex found male pornography and began to masturbate several times a day.

Alex had sex with several other classmates while in high school. They were all short-term relationships, as Alex continued to battle these desires. In college, he began to have anonymous sex with men in parks, bathrooms, and bathhouses. He was an honors student majoring in business and eventually law. Alex had a very sharp mind and was admired by most of his classmates, but no one knew that Alex led a double life. By day, he was the clever, brilliant student. By night, he was a sex addict, seeking yet another man to fill his loneliness and pain.

When I began to counsel Alex, he was in his late twenties and a very successful lawyer making a handsome income. But Alex was miserable. His colleagues admired his brilliant mind, his way with words, and his successful trial skills. But Alex hated himself. He longed to be one of the guys. He felt like he was on the outside looking in. He felt ashamed of his addictions to anonymous sex, male pornography, and compulsive masturbation. He wanted out, but he did not know how to change.

At first, I had Alex fill out questions about his family of origin. After reviewing his history, I gave him an evaluation and treatment plan. We then began our therapeutic relationship. I had Alex read several books about the etiology of same-sex attractions. Gradually, he began to understand where these desires originated. He understood that he had emotionally detached from his father and had an unhealthy attachment with his mother. Being more sensitive, he feared his father and the strength that he represented. Rather than standing up to his dad, he ran for safety in the arms of his mother and sisters. He came to see that his sexual exploits were a mask for the unobtained love and affection from his father and his inability to communicate his needs in a positive and assertive manner.

Alex was hungry to learn and grow. The next task was to help him build a strong support network in order to replace the sexual addictions and to assist him in the recreation of his character. He was fearful about sharing his struggle with others. He had managed to isolate this part of his life since he began experiencing same-sex attractions. I gently encouraged him to join a support group of other men in the process of transitioning. He resisted until I told him that in order for me to help him, I needed him to join such a group. Finally, he agreed to attend a meeting. There, to his great surprise, he met other men just like himself who had suffered their entire lives with similar feelings and experiences. He was so relieved and so grateful to learn that he was not alone. He met others who understood him.

Alex began an exercise program. He joined an athletic club and found several men to work out with. He began making friends with men who were secure in their sexuality. As Alex had always been on the sidelines watching his brother and other boys, it was scary for him to participate in group sports. He sought a mentor to teach him basic athletic skills: throwing the ball, hitting the ball, catching the ball, and shooting hoops. Over a period of time, he began to experience his own strength and power. (A word of caution: I encourage those coming out of homosexuality to find family-oriented health clubs and exercise with healthy friends.)

I had him begin a regimen of meditation every morning and evening. He listened to messages of affirmations. He began to redefine himself. No longer was he a homosexual man, but a precious son of God. Gradually, Alex began to understand that he did not have to earn love and acceptance through appearance or outward success. He was simply loved just for who he was. This was a revelation for Alex. This internal transformation, combined with new social skills, his support group, and weekly counseling, gave him the strength to stop acting out sexually. Occasionally, he would have a sexual experience, but they were decreasing each week.

I have observed that the individual who experiences same-sex attractions is not grounded in his body and soul. He must learn skills of self-knowledge and fulfillment before healing the wounds of the past. This stage is one of creating inner contentment and peace, a new sense of being centered in his heart, mind, body, and spirit.

In Stage Two, there are four tasks:

1. Continuing with the support network

2. Continuing to build self-worth and experience value in relationship with God

3. Building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills, and problem-solving techniques

4. Beginning inner-child healing: identifying thoughts, feelings, and needs

 FIRST TASK: CONTINUING WITH THE SUPPORT NETWORK

It is important for the individual to develop, participate in, and strengthen his support system. This is a vital part of the recovery program. The support system stands as a container, a safe space around the individual. The support system represents an external form of an internal reality. It is recreating the family and community in a healthy, positive, loving, and supportive manner. Later, he will internalize all the love received through the support network.

There is a strong need for involvement by the entire support system. Discontinuing sexual activity or fantasies causes the individual to experience feelings and thoughts more intensely than before. Repeated sexual behavior in the past helped the individual to medicate uncomfortable feelings and negative thoughts by numbing the mind, heart, body, and spirit.

Sexual behavior or fantasies are escape mechanisms, like a drug to avoid pain, hurt, disappointment, and any other unpleasant feelings. The components of the support system stand as a fortress of strength for the individual in recovery. This is the holding environment, the fertile soil in which to spring forth and grow.

SECOND TASK: CONTINUING TO BUILD SELF-WORTH

AND EXPERIENCE VALUE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Meditation, prayer, study, and affirmations are essential to building a strong spiritual foundation and a skin touch relationship with God. Meditation is listening. Prayer is speaking. Meditation creates a safe space for quieting the soul and learning to listen. Prayer is communication between the body, soul, spirit, and God. Study of inspirational words renews our hearts and minds. Affirmations are a way of reeducating our unconscious minds, helping us to develop faith, hope, and self-confidence.

THIRD TASK: BUILDING SKILLS—ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING,

COMMUNICATION SKILLS, AND PROBLEM-SOLVING TECHNIQUES

With a strong support system intact, and through the practice of meditation, prayer, study, and affirmations, the individual enters into the Grounding phase of recovery. A person experiencing homosexual feelings is often unable to regulate his emotions and thoughts. He needs instruction and coaching on how to manage present-day relationships before he is able to go back and heal the wounds of the past.

During this phase, he must learn to cope with uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, dealing with them in more responsible ways. By learning basic cognitive-behavioral skills, he learns to identify negative self-talk, or stinkin’ thinkin’, and ways in which to untwist these negative thought patterns.

He may need to learn more about the art of self-expression, learning communication skills and assertiveness in a healthy and positive manner—in short, getting his voice back. I use several workbooks that teach about these techniques and skills.

A man with same-sex attractions may have a chameleonlike nature, changing color and character to become what others expect of him, or what he thinks they expect of him. This personality trait may be an asset or liability. In the present character of a gender-detached individual, it serves to further distance him from his true self. The use of this and other defense mechanisms creates a false self, character armor to protect a wounded heart. Another characteristic I have observed in the gender-detached individual is impatience or lack of self-discipline. Therefore, he needs to learn how to cope with painful feelings in present-day relationships and situations. Not running away from or trying to medicate uncomfortable feelings is difficult for many in recovery. The first response may be to act out sexually or escape into fantasy. For this reason, he must learn new patterns of behavior. Many times, homosexual desires arise after feeling rejected, frustrated, lonely, angry, or overtired.9 The individual needs to develop tools to more effectively deal with these unpleasant feelings. There are a number of methods to assist the individual in this task, including:

• Reaching out for help within the support network

• Prayer, meditation, and affirmations

• Bioenergetic/core energetic exercises—pounding, anger release, working through the feelings to get down to the core issues

• Focusing—a technique used to first identify the cause of distress, and second, to create relief in the body and mind

• HALT—a technique for identifying the cause(s) leading to sexual lust

Hungry—There is physical hunger and/or feeling of rejection and wanting to fill up with another person or substance.

                    Angry—Unexpressed feelings may become eroticized.

Lonely—Legitimate needs for intimacy that go unmet later are experienced as sexual desires.

Tired—Stress factors kick in and the desire to take care of oneself by using old sexual habits may arise.

• Journaling—Writing on a regular basis helps him understand his inner thoughts and feelings and learn about the triggers that may stimulate inappropriate behaviors. A trigger is any activity, event, or situation that will lead the individual to act out or become emotionally distressed. Many addicts have an obsessive-compulsive (personality) disorder. Writing helps get him out of his head and achieve some distance from the intensity of the experience.

FOURTH TASK: BEGINNING INNER-CHILD HEALING—

IDENTIFYING THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND NEEDS

To understand the more emotional part of his being, I introduce the use of inner-child work. I assign several workbooks and the use of different inner-child techniques to assist the individual in getting in touch with his deeper feelings and needs. Through inner-child work, he will begin to understand the origins and meanings behind these powerful forces within and around him.

There are three stages of inner-child work: self-parenting, spiritual parenting, and mentoring.

First, he must become his own mentor, the ideal mom and ideal dad for which he always longed. Second, through creative visualization, he may have his spiritual mentor or other mentors mentor his inner child, visualizing wonderful, healing activities together with his mentors. Last, he will heal with and in the presence of others, mentors who can teach him about the ways of men. The individual does this third stage of inner-child work on the foundation of self-parenting and spiritual parenting; otherwise he will develop an unhealthy dependency on the mentor.

I also teach him to get in touch with his body through several techniques: bioenergetics, core energetics, role-play, voice dialogue, and focusing. All these methods will help him get deeper into his body, and more grounded in his character. In this way, he learns to solve his problems, rather than seeking to have a sexual relationship, overworking, or escaping into a fantasy world.

Before going into the psychodynamic aspects of treatment in order to uncover and heal the root causes of these desires, he must become more stable in present-day relationships. He needs to learn how to sustain pain, “ride the wave,” as I call it, and not act out inappropriately. Unresolved trauma of the past caused the homosexual disorientation. However, unless he successfully manages his relationships and circumstances in the present, and learns to be an effective communicator, he will be neither able nor equipped to contain the pain that emerges when he begins the process of healing the root causes. He may run away, terminate treatment, start acting out, or feel hopeless that change is impossible.

In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Two are: 1) continuing with the support network; 2) continuing to build self-worth and experience value in relationship with God; 3) building skills such as assertiveness training, communication skills, and problem-solving techniques; and 4) beginning inner-child healing to identify thoughts, feelings, and needs.

In the first few stages of my healing, the therapist helped me get in touch with the profound and painful causes of my homosexual feelings without helping me build any support system. He never checked if I had friends, family, and other means of support to help me contain the tremendous amount of pain I was about to experience. Consequently, I ran back into the homosexual world because I felt continuously frustrated from reaching out to friends in my spiritual community who could not understand my pain or need for intimacy. I cannot describe the hell I experienced, nor how lonely I felt during those years. Having no one who understood my situation merely exacerbated the wounds. I learned in a profound and painful way how necessary it is to first help the individual gain stability in the present, develop a strong support system, and learn new coping skills for current problems.

Therapists must be wise in assisting their clients. If you are a therapist, please do not take your client into his deeper pain until he has the resources to deal with it. If you are the client, do not allow the therapist to take you into your deeper pain until you are more stable in your present-day life.

Alex attended his support group weekly. It gave him a sense of stability and comraderie that he needed as he continued on his healing journey. Alex always told me that a life-changing concept for him was that homosexuality was not the problem but a symptom of unresolved issues. He stated that this concept freed him to take the focus off of his sexuality and to deal with the underlying causes of his same-sex attractions. We continued to meet for our weekly counseling sessions. I had him begin using Dr. David Burns’s book, Ten Days to Self-Esteem. Reluctantly, he began doing the assignments. Like many others that I have counseled, Alex did not like this workbook. “It reminds me of all the homework assignments I had to do for school.” I told him, “I understand your resistance, and it’s fine to hate it. Just do it anyway.” And he did.

By practicing Burns’s methods, Alex learned to identify his negative self-talk, cognitive distortions that led him into a vicious cycle of depression and sexual addiction. By doing the daily mood logs and other activities suggested by Burns, he gained a greater sense of self-control. Then, instead of getting upset with himself and others, he took the time to reflect on his negative thinking and transform those thoughts into positive energy. This was yet another way in which he gained greater self-awareness and power over the addictive cycle. Dr. Douglas Weiss describes the addictive cycle by the following six stages: 1) pain agents—emotional discomfort, unresolved conflict, stress, or a need to connect; 2) disassociation; 3) the altered state; 4) pursuing behavior; 5) behavior; and 6) time between acting out.10

He continued to meditate on a daily basis using several of the tapes that I provided. We also made a tape specifically to reinforce his sense of self-worth. I had him write a list of affirmations, things that he wished his dad and others had said to him while growing up. I asked him if he wanted me to record the tape or if he wanted to do it himself. He requested that I do it, and together we made the recording during our session. I wanted to make sure it was done in a way that was pleasing to his soul. The tape was just about five minutes in length with soothing music in the background. Some of the affirmations were: “Alex, I love you for who you are.” “You are my precious son.” “You are enough.” “You are talented, gifted, and strong.” “I believe in you.” By using these affirmations on a daily basis, Alex began to believe in his value and self-worth as a loved son of God.

By participating in sports and exercise, Alex was strengthening his masculinity as well. After working with his mentor for months, he finally built up the courage to begin playing basketball with some other men. It was very frightening for him at first. He used the cognitive techniques, slaying negative self-talk with positive and rational responses. It was very hard for him to do this. He used creative visualization, imagining that he was a competent, accomplished basketball player already. He would practice seeing this in his mind several times throughout the day. He made a goal each time he played basketball. One time his goal was to just have fun, no matter how he played. Another time his goal was to focus on skill building—dribbling and passing the ball. Another time his goal was to be as assertive as possible. He also asked a friend to practice with him. Through his continued efforts, his game gradually improved and he learned to have fun.

After completing Burns’s cognitive therapy, he began inner-child healing. Alex did the assignments in Dr. Lucia Capacchione’s book, Recovery of Your Inner Child. As a lawyer, he found this approach ridiculous and stupid. “What does drawing pictures with my opposite hand have to do with healing homosexuality? This seems absurd!” Again, I told Alex, “It’s fine to hate it. Just do it.” And so he did. At first, the inner-child drawing and dialogue exercises were very difficult for him. It was slow going. Getting in touch with the inner voice was a painstaking adventure for Alex. For so many years, he had buried that hurt little boy beneath all the good grades, smiles, pleasantries, and sexual activity. But through his consistent and concerted efforts, eventually the child within began to speak.

Alex was shocked at what began to emerge—a very angry and raging little boy. He was not nice. He was not sweet. He was hurt, and he wanted to be heard. And so Alex completed many drawings and allowed the little boy within to voice his feelings. During several sessions, I created exercises for that particular inner child. He did some bioenergetic work, pounding on pillows with a tennis racquet. No longer was Alex the sweet, submissive child, but a strong and powerful, masculine force.

He also tapped into other parts of his inner family—the protective parent, the frightened little boy, the critical parent, the playful child. Alex was awakening parts of himself that had been dormant for years. He was learning to access feelings, thoughts, and needs he never knew he had. Alex used the meditation tape, Healing Your Inner Child, several times a week. Through these inner-child healing activities, he began to find his emotional center and become more powerfully aware of who he was rather than seeking to define himself in response to how others thought and felt about him.

George Santayana

Stage Three is emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery through deep grieving and inner healing. First, the causes of same-sex attractions must be illuminated. Next, the wounds need to be healed. Finally, the unmet love needs will be fulfilled in healthy, healing same-sex relationships. Through this process, the individual will naturally come to experience the fullness of his gender identity.

In Stage Three, there are four tasks:

1. Continuing all tasks of Stage Two

2. Discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds

3. Beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility

4. Developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships

FIRST TASK: CONTINUING ALL TASKS OF STAGE TWO

• Continue with the support network: This is critical, as the individual is about to enter psychodynamic work, uncovering the pains of the past. The support network surrounds him with love, understanding, and support.

• Continue building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship with God: It is important for him to continue developing a spiritual connection with the Creator, the inner voice of guidance and support. A personal relationship with God will give greater strength to begin the process of grieving.

• Continue building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills, and problem-solving techniques. Continue to challenge faulty thinking and negative self-talk, and to stretch in new ways. As a more authentic man, he then becomes more responsible, fulfilled, and empowered in everyday relationships.

• Continue inner-child healing by learning to identify thoughts, feelings, and needs. The inner-child work serves as fertilizer for the soil of deeper work to come—the discovery and healing of the root causes of same-sex attractions. By learning to listen to his body and soul, he prepares himself to handle the heartaches and pains as they emerge in this third stage of healing.

SECOND TASK: DISCOVERING THE ROOT CAUSES

OF HOMO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

In this stage, he must uncover and discover what took place in his past that cut him off from his own gender identity. The primary cause of homosexuality is not an absent same-sex parent, but the child’s defensive detachment toward that parent. The child first perceived rejection, from either Dad or Mom, or both, and then self-protected and created an emotional wall around his heart.11 In the process of healing, this wall must come down. Same-sex desires represent alienation from the true self. He seeks in another man what is lacking within himself.12 The false self is an adaptation of one’s character in order to obtain love. Other names for the false self are masks, defensive mechanisms, and character armor. The true self is one’s inherent God-given nature—pure, loving, spiritual, forgiving, and understanding.

[Chart to be given out at the conference.]

At the core of one’s being is his God-given true self, full of love, understanding, and forgiveness. He also has an inherited self, with a predilection to misinterpret or misperceive the words and deeds of others, especially his primary caregivers.

If he experienced or perceived any kind of abandonment, neglect, abuse, or enmeshment, as an infant, child, or adolescent, his first feeling response is fear. Because children always self-blame, underneath psychological fear is guilt and shame. Guilt comes from behavior: “I did wrong.” Shame comes from being: “I am wrong.” If he is allowed to express his feelings freely, and if his feelings are heard and honored by his parents, healing will take place at that time. If his feelings are not expressed or received, he then represses them. “Repression is a state of emotional numbness. . . . It occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting, and rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to ‘keep the peace,’ for the sake of the family, or to look good to the world.”13

If the abandonment, neglect, abuse, or enmeshment continue, the next feeling response will be anger. Dr. Steven Stosny describes the physiological component of anger as the following: “Anger comes from a small region of the brain called the limbic system, also known as the mammalian brain, because we share it with all mammals; is part of the survival-based fight or flight instinct we share with all mammals; mobilizes the organism for fighting— the only emotion that activates every muscle group and every organ of the body. The chemicals secreted in the brain during anger arousal, epinephrine and norepinephrine, feel much like an amphetamine and analgesic—they numb pain and produce a surge of energy.”14

Anger is a physiological response to danger and a psychological response to hurt and pain. Psychologically, anger is always a coverup for hurt and pain. If he expresses his anger, and his parents allow him to do so in a constructive way, then he will be able to heal his hurt and pain. If his family does not receive his feelings of anger, or if he represses them, then he swallows the hurt and pain. Feelings buried alive never die. Time does not heal all wounds. It just buries them deeper.

Finally, he will develop many coping skills, defensive mechanisms, and character armor to survive in an environment where his thoughts and feelings go unheard and basic love needs go unmet. These coping skills, defense mechanisms, and character armor then represent the false self. These coping skills/defenses are based on his original nature, his inherent God-given gifts. However, these gifts are used for a dual purpose: 1) to mask the hurt, pain, guilt, and shame, and 2) to obtain the affection, affirmation, and acceptance never perceived or received.

The layer of the false self contains the many masks he wears, the dramas he plays, the character armor he puts on, and the defensive mechanisms he uses to shield his wounded heart from further hurt and pain. The problem is, no matter how hard he works to gain the scraps of affection, affirmation, and acceptance he wants or needs, it will never soothe his soul. The reason is that his behavior is driven by a need for recognition—being loved for what he does, not for who he is. A primal need we all possess is to be accepted for who we are, not for what we do or what we look like.

I did not include “approval” on the list of three As, because approval is behavior-based. It is okay if a parent, spouse, boss, coworker, friend, or God does not approve of his behavior(s). Behavior has to do with his doing, not his being. Therefore, he can still be loved (for his being), even if someone does not approve of his behavior (his doing).

The layers of the personality widen until he develops illnesses/disorders. Many healers believe that most illnesses and disorders have a psychological base, the result of a broken or lost heart and negative attitudes and beliefs. He is syntonically connected as each part affects the other: spirit, body, heart, and mind. This is why recovering and discovering his child(ren) within (both wounded and golden children) takes time. He must peel away the layers, like an onion, one by one. He cannot move right into the core of his being and blow up his personality. He must remove defensive layers systematically and replace them with healthy ways of being and behaving. When he has gained a sufficient sense of self-worth from his relationship with God, self, and others, then he can move deeper into the well of recovering his lost soul.

I use several techniques to help the individual get in touch with past memories: inner-child drawing and dialogue, memory healing, bioenergetics, core energetics, role-play, psychodrama, focusing, and voice dialogue. In these ways, he will get in touch with lost or repressed memories.

It is critical to understand the origins of the desires; otherwise, mere behavioral attempts to “control” the homosexual drive will create a lifetime of frustration and guilt. Getting to the root causes will allow the defensive shields to come down and love to come in. Without removing these barriers, other techniques will stand as a superficial means of controlling thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

I believe in complete and total liberation of the soul. The man in transition will at last find his way back home and be able to move on with his psychosexual, psychological, and psychospiritual development by discovering and healing the root causes, including: wounding by the same-sex parent, wounding by a same-sex sibling, body-image wounds, peer wounds, sexual abuse, divorce, or death of a parent.

THIRD TASK: BEGINNING THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING,

FORGIVING, AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

The stages of healing in this task are recall, release, relief, realize, and responsibility.

• Recall: The first step is to recall the events that created the same-sex detachment, such as wounding with the same-sex parent, abuse, peer wounds, and sibling wounds.

• Release: Next, he must begin the process of grieving. This may consist of tears, rage, anger, laughter, and other emotions. If we can feel it, then we can heal it. Without moving through the feelings, the defensive blocks will remain in place and healing will not occur.

• Relief: After releasing the emotional toxicity, he will experience a great sense of relief. The same-sex attractions are connected to the wounds. When the walls come down, then love comes in, and the individual experiences his gender identity.

• Realize: After grieving the homo-emotional wounds and experiencing relief, the individual realizes the need for forgiveness—forgiving self, others, and God. Forgiveness releases him from bitterness and the need for revenge. When he holds onto his anger and resentments, he will project those feelings onto other relationships, especially those who want to be close to him. Furthermore, if he cannot forgive, he still harbors unconscious guilt. Beneath the blame and anger is the voice of his inner child, “It’s all my fault.”

There are two kinds of forgiveness: one from the head and one from the heart. The first kind of forgiveness is a decision one makes to let go of the bitterness and pain. He gives the gift of forgiveness to the one who hurt him. It is a conscious choice. The second kind of forgiveness comes from the heart. It flows from understanding. Finally, the wounded child’s heart has been heard. Now he can see the same woundedness in the heart of the one who either purposely or unknowingly inflicted the wound. This second kind of forgiveness occurs after grieving the losses of the past.

Forgiving does not mean that all the painful feelings will go away. That takes time. Forgiveness takes place through many stages in life. Healing is like peeling an onion. As he heals and grows, he peels away the layers around his heart. The individual may administer forgiveness at each new stage. A principle of growth is that the closer he gets to others, the more he may hurt. Intimacy is feared because of the original wounds that were experienced with primary caregivers. Being close was not always safe and satisfying. Within the context of intimate relationships, those primary hurts will naturally resurface. That is why there are many stages of grief and loss through which one must work.15

Forgiveness is a gift. It sets him free. It helps him let go of the past and move into a brighter present and future, opening him up to greater possibilities of love.

• Responsibility: His mind is able to understand more clearly what occurred after working through the process of grief and forgiveness. Childhood core beliefs, which were developed in response to parents and events, will now come into focus. He might believe, for example, that “I shouldn’t say what I think or feel; otherwise, people will reject me”; “Smile and be nice, don’t show my feelings, because nobody really cares”; “Don’t trust men, they are all uncaring and unfeeling”; “I’m unwanted, and I don’t belong here.”

In this stage, he begins to see his part in the drama, how he could have handled or perceived the situation differently, even as an infant, child, or adolescent. Therefore, it is important for him to identify his core beliefs and misinterpretations that led to his feeling rejected or allowed him to allow others to hurt him as they did. This may be a radical concept for many that I, as a child, played an important role in how things occurred. This will become clearer after having worked through the stages of grief and forgiveness. Unless you have been there, this may be hard to swallow. I know it was for me.

Once he identifies the distortions and misinterpretations, he experiences an even greater freedom. He can let his parents, his siblings, or the perpetrator off the hook. He sees how he helped create his own defensive detachment and pushed the possibilities of love out of his life, even as a child.

This final phase is extremely empowering and liberating. By taking responsibility for his part in the drama, by understanding his misinterpretations, he may stop blaming others and thereby begin recreating himself as a whole man. Robert Bly speaks about making two rooms in our heart for our father: “The son who always knew about his father’s cruel and destructive side will find it easy to furnish one of these dark rooms. . . . But that very same son needs to build a second room to house the generous and blessed side of his father. . . . If we haven’t yet made two rooms, and furnished them, we can’t expect our father, living or dead, to move in. Those men who have made both rooms inside their souls could begin to think of inviting in a mentor. He will also need two rooms.”16

FOURTH TASK: DEVELOPING HEALTHY, HEALING, SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS

That which was born out of broken, unhealthy relationships needs to be healed in loving, nurturing relationships. Heterosexuality blossoms after a person fulfills homo-emotional needs and experiences gender identity. That is why marriage will never solve same-sex attractions.

Heterosexual men and women are the transmitters of God’s love to help provide homo-emotional love needs and successful bonding.17 Without experiencing the true masculine or true feminine love from another person, the individual in recovery lives a life of frustration and yearning. God’s love is experienced through people. We must be true and ideal parents for one another.

Men must heal with other men, and women must heal with other women. Activities such as talking, walking, hiking, camping, fishing, sports, and just being together will provide the environment in which change may take place. In such a safe setting, in safe relationships, the wounds of the past will emerge and healing will occur.

Another therapeutic method I promote and teach is Mentoring. This is like planting seeds after pulling weeds. I believe this is an essential element for true, lasting, and organic healing to occur. Mentoring is a profound relationship between two people: the mentor and the adult-child. “If you are a young man and you are not being admired by an older man, you are being hurt.”18 The mentor becomes the surrogate father to the man in recovery. The mentor will be able to provide the unmet homo-emotional love needs that the recovering person never experienced in childhood or adolescence.

When they develop a deep bond, the adult-child may begin to get angry and resistant. When he gets close to someone and starts letting his walls down, primal emotions begin to emerge. Through grieving with the mentor, the pains of his past will heal and successful bonding will occur. It takes time to build trust. First comes honesty: sharing himself with his mentor and feeling accepted. Second comes trust: knowing the mentor will be there rather than run away and judge him. Finally comes love: exposing the ugliest parts to his mentor who still embraces and cares for him. These relationships work, aided by prayer, patience, and persistence.

His defensive shields will break down and healthy bonding will occur as he learns to trust the mentor. In this way, he fulfills homo-emotional needs and experiences his gender identity. If the same-sex parent is alive and willing to engage in this process, he is the best person for the job. Coaching most parents in effective ways to mentor their children is important.

In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Three are: 1) continuing all tasks of Stage Two; 2) discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds; 3) beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility; and 4) developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships.

Alex understood the root causes of his same-sex attractions and was ready to face the past, heal the wounds, and fulfill unmet needs. His sexual addictions to anonymous sex, male pornography, and compulsive masturbation were no longer a part of his daily life. He had friends, played sports, prayed and meditated, and had developed a strong sense of his inherent value as a beloved son of God. He practiced good communication skills in his personal and professional life. Whenever someone spoke words that hurt him, he could either take care of himself or he would share honestly with the other person. Going straight is about being straight with self and others.

Now it was time to delve into the past. Through voice dialogue, bioenergetics, and memory healing, we began to explore the pain Alex experienced in relationship to his father and brother. Restoration works in reverse to the way in which the original wounding occurred.

First, one must deal with the lesser wound before facing the more profound wound. Alex sensed that, first, he needed to heal with Jason. Through role-play and voice dialogue, he allowed his wounded inner child to come forth and share with Jason how he felt when attacked and beaten. Frozen tears and primal emotions were released as Alex’s inner child spoke about his pain. “Why did you hit me? Why did you beat me? I needed your love so bad, but all I felt was your anger.”

We also used bioenergetic exercises to allow his inner child to express his anger and pain. I had him imagine Jason standing on the other side of the pillows as he screamed, pounded, and eventually took back his power. Alex had, in a most unhealthy manner, submitted to Jason and his dad. He abdicated responsibility by shutting down emotionally, thus becoming a “victim.” During several sessions, while utilizing memory healing, Alex was able to grieve the loss of a close relationship with his brother, experience relief, and ultimately forgive Jason. Through bleeding his own wound, he was able to see the common wounding in Jason, who was equally deficient in experiencing healthy Father’s love. Through role-play, voice dialogue, bioenergetics, and memory healing, Alex was able to reclaim a part of his masculinity.

Next, it was time to investigate his relationship with his father. Alex allowed his inner child to share with his dad how he felt when he was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused. Through role-play, voice dialogue, bioenergetics, and memory healing, Alex grieved about the pain and loss of Father’s love. “Why weren’t you there for me? Where were you? I needed you. I’m not a sissy. I’m a boy, and I am deserving of your love.” Alex pounded so hard, screaming, shouting, reclaiming his power, and taking back the male energy he abandoned so many years ago. “I am a boy. I am a man. I am deserving of love. I won’t take your verbal abuse anymore. I give you back all your shame, all your name-calling, all your fears and guilt.”

Alex learned to stand in his power, transitioning from a victim to a victor of love. As he let go of his anger, frustration, and pain, he began to experience more power within himself. Through memory healing, he was able to forgive his father and see the wounded child within his dad. Realizing that his dad did not experience the warmth and encouragement of his father, Alex was able to feel more compassionate and forgiving toward him.

Simultaneous with this process of inner healing, Alex was being mentored by an elder in his church. He met weekly with his mentor, Rich. They spent time together sharing. Rich was a good listener and a strong role model for Alex. When Alex was grieving, Rich would hold him in his arms, allowing him to feel loved as he detoxed from years of repressed anger and pain. Rich was very patient and loving toward Alex. In this way, Alex’s neurology was being reprogrammed. The pain was being weeded out of his system and love was being poured in—pulling weeds and planting seeds. Alex and Rich also went to games together, played ball, and took walks. Alex was making up for all the times he had missed with his dad.

Alex also maintained close friendships with several guys from the gym, his support group, and his church. He was able to freely share with them what he was experiencing in his emotional and mental reprocessing work. His support network surrounded him as he released the past and reclaimed his masculinity. More and more, he felt grounded in his power. His same-sex attractions waned now that he experienced his own sense of gender identity.

In the last stage of recovery, the individual will address hetero-emotional wounds. Again, as in Stage Three, the causes must be identified, the wounds healed, and the unmet hetero-emotional love needs fulfilled. The final task will be to learn about the character differences of men and women.

In Stage Four, there are four tasks:

1. Continuing all the tasks of Stage Two

2. Discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds

3. Continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility

4. Developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships, and learning to understand and appreciate the opposite sex

FIRST TASK: CONTINUING ALL THE TASKS OF STAGE TWO

Work with the support network; continue to build self-worth and experience value from God; continue building assertiveness, communication, and problem-solving skills; and continue to identify thoughts, feelings, and needs in the present.

SECOND TASK: DISCOVERING THE ROOT CAUSES OF HETERO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

Finally, and in some cases even more difficult, will be healing the hetero-emotional wounds, i.e., unhealthy mother-son attachment, unhealthy father-daughter attachment, sexual abuse by someone of the opposite sex, women experiencing rejection by men, and men experiencing rejection by women.

There may have been an excessive and/or abusive attachment between the child and parent or significant person of the opposite sex. Sometimes, the meaning of homosexuality is a flight from intimacy with members of the opposite sex to avoid the profound trauma experienced in infancy, childhood, or adolescence. Simple science demonstrates that opposites attract and like polarities repel each other. If a man feels repulsed by a woman, perhaps he is overidentified with the feminine. As he increases his sense of masculine identification, he will be attracted to his opposite, a female. “The purpose of life is to unify the masculine and feminine within, creating a proper balance. It affects all of our behavior and relationships if we are missing one part, or are at odds with one part.”19

The individual in recovery must uncover the root causes that prevent him from relating intimately with someone of the opposite sex. He must identify and heal these issues.

THIRD TASK: CONTINUING THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING, FORGIVING, AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

The stages of healing are recall, release, relief, realize, and responsibility. The individual must work through hetero-emotional wounds on an emotional level. Afterwards, he processes on an intellectual level, taking personal responsibility for his part in the drama.

FOURTH TASK: DEVELOPING HEALTHY, HEALING OPPOSITE-SEX RELATIONSHIPS, AND LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE THE OPPOSITE SEX

In this phase, it may help to have a therapist of the opposite sex. This will allow transference to occur, projecting repressed feelings toward the opposite sex onto the therapist. This will expedite the healing process. Healing the mother-son and father-daughter relationship is crucial for successful transitioning into healthy heterosexual relationships. The individual projects past resentments onto the future spouse unless the wounds heal. This makes the spouse constantly pay for the hurts and wounds received in the past. This is happening in many heterosexual relationships, which is one reason for the high rate of divorce.

To assist in this process, it is important for the individual to establish healthy, healing, loving, nonsexual relationships with members of the opposite sex. The best person for the job is the mother or father. I recommend the use of Attachment/Holding Therapy as taught by Dr. Martha Welch. My family and I did some healing work with Dr. Welch. If I had experienced holding time with my parents several decades ago, I would not have needed to process through my thoughts and feelings with so many therapists and groups. I could have taken care of them at the source, with my mom and dad. If the parent is alive, I strongly recommend healing with him or her, if they are willing to engage in the process. (A warning: It is important to accept the fact that some parents are too unhealthy and incapable of participating in the healing process. Trying to force or coerce a parent into the healing process may rewound the adult-child.)

In this final stage, it is also important for men to learn more about women, and for women to learn more about men. The works of Deborah Tannen, John Gottman, John Gray, Harville Hendrix, Pat Love, Ellen Kreidman, Barbara De Angelis, Gary Smally, and others will help the person in recovery better understand and appreciate the opposite sex. If the man in recovery was close to his mother, and more into his feminine nature, he knew women as a woman, not as a man. The same holds true for the woman coming out of homosexuality. She may have known men from a more masculine point of view, not from a woman’s perspective. Therefore, it is important to learn about the opposite sex in a healthy way, from one’s own gender’s point of view. This is a healthy and radical shift in perspective for the person in recovery. “If the son learns feeling primarily from the mother, then he will probably see his own masculinity from the feminine point of view as well. He may find his masculinity fascinating, but still frightening. He may pity it and want to reform it, or he may be suspicious of it and want to kill it. He may admire it, but he will never feel at home with it.”20 The converse is true as well. He will see femininity from the eyes of a woman until he experiences his own gender identity and then learns about women as a man.

Natural desires for opposite-sex relationships often emerge as he experiences his gender identity, heals the hetero-emotional wounds, and establishes healthy attachment relationships with members of the opposite sex. A married man will experience greater intimacy with his wife once he has healed the hetero-emotional wounds. The individual’s true gender identity will emerge after breaking down the defensive detachments between men and men, women and women, men and women, and women and men, bonding with both the same and opposite sexes. Natural attractions and feelings for the opposite sex arise out of this process of healing. There is no magic except for the profound relationships of love that arise during this process of transformation and the freedom experienced by lifting the walls of detachment.

In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Four are: 1) continuing all the tasks of Stage Two; 2) discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds; 3) continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility; and 4) developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships, and learning to understand and appreciate the opposite sex.

Alex needed to work on his relationship with his mother. He had been enmeshed with her since he could remember. (Enmeshed describes an unhealthy attachment in an intimate relationship, whereby the proper boundaries between Mother and son have been violated.) He was her precious little boy, sweetheart, and substitute spouse. He carried the scars of this unhealthy attachment through his adolescence and adult life. He feared intimacy with women, afraid he would be consumed by their demands. It was time to face the mother of his past that lived deep within his soul. We used role-play, psychodrama, inner-child healing, voice dialogue, bioenergetics, memory healing, and holding therapy. In sessions, Alex debriefed about how he felt when his mom would share her burdens with him. Through role-play and bioenergetics, he expressed much sadness, anger, and pain. In our support group, he created a psychodrama, having different people play the roles of his mother, father, brother, sisters, and himself. This was a very powerful method for him to recall the family system and see what part he played in the drama and how each family member must have felt.

Alex began a mentoring relationship with Elizabeth, Rich’s wife. In this way, he began to know women from another perspective. Elizabeth was neither clinging nor demanding. She simply embraced him and allowed him to be a part of her and her husband’s world. This was a great healing for Alex. He had never experienced what it felt like to be close to a woman in a nonthreatening way. His inner child was scared and excited to know a woman without fear of being consumed by her needs. Elizabeth was a very refreshing influence in Alex’s new life.

We arranged for Alex’s parents and siblings to attend a holding session that lasted all day. My wife helped me, as she does with each holding session. In this way, both men and women feel represented and safer. First, Alex’s parents held each other. I had them express how they thought and felt about one another, the good points as well as the bad points. In the beginning, they were quite superficial, playing the sweet and loving couple. Then, Jason, Alex, and their sisters ganged up on each side of them and began screaming, “Stop acting so sweet. We know that each one of you is so hurt by the other. Let it out and stop making us feel like we have to take care of you!” This was a wake-up call to Alex’s mom and dad. While holding her husband, his mother began to express years of pain and disappointment. She cried and screamed how lonely she was while he was out drinking. She told him how hurt she was that he had neglected and abused the children. She mourned in his arms as all the children were crying.

Next, it was Dad’s turn. Still an alcoholic, he was unable to access his deeper feelings. For so many years, he had repressed his wounded self. He recalled to his wife and children how his own father had beat him senseless, day after day, year after year, and never gave him one word of encouragement. He told them that he knew he had failed them, but at least he didn’t hurt them as badly as his father had hurt him. They were all silent and shocked, as he had never shared about his family before. They could see that he had masked his own pain through alcohol and overworking.

We then had Mom and Dad hold the children—first was Jason, then Becky and Sarah. Finally, it was Alex’s turn. He held with his dad. Alex screamed and cried, as this was the first time for him to touch and be touched by his father. He cried out, like a child, “Dad, I missed you my whole life. Do you think I wanted to have sex with other men? I was always searching for you in their arms. I need you, Dad, I need you. Where were you? Why did you always criticize me and call me names? Please hold me and tell me that you love me.” On and on he went, letting his dad know how much he was hurt by his actions and words. Alex did not want to let go of his dad since this was their first bonding experience. His father apologized for his critical nature and verbal abuse. He told Alex he was sorry that he had not been a better dad. Finally, he told his son, “I love you, Alex.”

Then Alex held with his mother. He screamed and cried, telling her how disgusted he was when she would share her misery with him. “I felt like your husband, not your son. Why did you share that crap with me? I didn’t want to know your pain; I just needed your love. I never felt safe with you, only burdened and pained.” He continued, “Mom, I am now establishing a new relationship with you. I need clear boundaries. I do not want to hear about your pain, your problems, and your issues. I am your son, not your friend. Please get a life. Find others your own age who can help you. That’s not my role. I’m your son. I need you to care for me.” Alex felt relieved after sharing these thoughts, feelings, and needs with his mom.

She was deeply saddened by his sharing. She had no idea that he felt so hurt and betrayed. She thought she had done the best for him and the other children. She cried and apologized for any hurt she caused her son. She told him that she loved him and that she would try not to share her burdens with him. She then went into a “poor me” mode, saying that no one is there for her. All the kids held her and screamed, “Mom, get a life. Find friends that can help and love you. Stop leaning on us!” This was very hard for her to hear.

Last, we had the kids hold each other and debrief about unresolved issues they had with one another. Jason and the girls held and cried as they recalled many episodes. Alex held with Jason and told him how hurt and offended he was by the verbal and physical abuse.

Jason apologized, knowing that he had passed on to Alex what he felt about his dad. They held each other, cried, and forgave one other.

I would like to say that they all lived happily ever after, but change takes place over a period of time through practice, practice, and practice. Alex had to keep reminding his mom not to share her heartaches with him. He requested that his dad spend some time with him. His father agreed and thus began a new phase in both of their lives. Jason and Alex agreed to talk on the phone frequently, getting to know one another as adults.

Alex’s father was still emotionally unavailable, so Alex needed to continue receiving from his male friends and mentors. He eventually accepted the fact that his father could not give him all that he needed. This realization created a peaceful state in his heart and soul. No longer did he look to Dad for the love he was unable to give. Alex saw his father for who he was and learned to be grateful for what he could give. Alex’s love for his father was now one of gratitude and maturity.

Alex began dating. His attractions for women began to emerge after healing the homo-emotional wounds and fulfilling the unmet needs. After a year of dating several women, Alex met Christina. She was a very lovely and open woman. He shared about his past and his healing journey. She was very moved by his commitment to change, his perseverance, and his deep faith in God. Eventually they married and had two children. Now, Alex is a good father to his children and a better husband than his father was able to be. Of course, the road is not always easy, as shadows of the past reveal themselves. However, Alex and Christina have tools to use as they work through their respective issues. She, too, has done much healing work to restore her past. They continue to grow individually, as a couple, and as a family.

Alex’s therapy lasted a little over three years. It took approximately one year for him to break his addictive cycle. Through that time period, he built a solid support network and learned many skills to gain a better sense of self. Through the passageway of his inner child, the wounds of his past emerged. Healing took place through many methods, as I have already de-scribed. Alex experienced his own gender identity as he removed the shields of detachment between himself and his father and brother. His needs were fulfilled through healthy male bonding. He learned more about women by being mentored by a generous woman. Attachment/holding therapy with his entire family helped create an opening to establish new relationships with his father, mother, and siblings. Alex continues to grow each day as a son of God, husband, father, and powerful man in the world.

This plan of healing out of homosexuality is not exactly a linear model. During the first two stages, the individual may need to heal from profound wounds of the past. Bringing relief to those wounds in the early stages of healing is very important. However, it is vital that the therapist encourage the client to develop a proper support system that will provide the necessary holding environment while he works through the four stages of recovery. I see the role of the therapist as a guide, facilitator, midwife, teacher, mentor, and parent. However, the therapist must direct the client through each stage of recovery, assisting him in accomplishing the developmental and social tasks at hand. The client will experience much transference as a natural part of the therapeutic relationship. However, the therapist should not be the main source of love or the main mentor. The therapist must encourage the client to develop healthy and healing relationships outside the context of therapy.

Of course, this description is very brief and simplistic. Healing same-sex attractions is possible. I have done it, and I have assisted many clients as well. Seeing individuals come to understand the deeper meaning of their desires, and seeing them become freed from those chains that bound them for years, is both moving and gratifying. This process takes years. There is no quick fix in matters of the heart.

One client came to me in desperation, having sought help from psychiatrists and psychologists over twenty years of his life. No one could relieve the pain lodged deep in his soul. No one could help him stop acting out. After several initial sessions of assessing his background, I took him back, through a deep state of relaxation, to the key events that created his same-sex attractions. Finally, he was able to face his father, grieve his losses, and offer forgiveness. This was the breakthrough he long sought. He said, “A wall has been lifted,” and his acting-out behaviors ceased completely. He came to understand that the desires were merely a cover-up for much deeper emotions that resulted from wounds he never knew existed. Of course, this was an exceptional case, as most do not heal so quickly. He also had done much therapy before our sessions. Today, seven years have gone by and he is blossoming!

Understanding the origins of the homosexual condition is imperative to aiding any man or woman who is trying to exit from this state of “dis-ease.” I encourage all therapists to learn more about the process of healing. To those who wish to change, please know that you are not alone. You can do it.

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Footnotes

1. R. Bly, Iron John: A Book About Men (New York: Vintage Books, 1990), 72–73.

2. E. Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic (Greenwood, SC: Attic Press, 1983), 38.

3. Jan Frank, “Stages of Recovery” (Speech presented at PFOX Conference, Fairfax, VA, March 7, 1998).

4. Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson Inc., 1991), 199–200.

5. Interview with Dr. Chrisopher Austin at the Family Life Center, Austin, TX, December 9, 1999.

6.  D. Byrd, “Understanding and Treating Homosexuality,” seminar presented at the Therapeutic Seminar, Washington, D.C., March 13, 1998.

7.  Walter Trobisch, Love Yourself (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1978), 8–9.

8.  Irving Bieber et al., Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study of Male Homosexuals (New York: Vintage Books, 1962), 220.

9.  Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 103–104.

10.  Douglas Weiss, The Final Freedom (Fort Worth, TX: Discovery Press, 1998), 34.

11.  Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 34, 105.

12.  E. Kaplan, “Homosexuality: A Search for the Ego-Ideal,” Archives of General Psychiatry 16 (1967): 355–358.

13. John Gray, What You Feel, You Can Heal (Mill Valley, CA: Heart Publishing, 1984), 86.

14. Steven Stosny, Treatment Manual of the Compassion Workshop (Gaithersburg, MD: Compassion Alliance, 1995), 17.

15. Granger Westberg, Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss (Philadelphia, PA: Fortress Press, 1973).

16. Bly, 118–119.

17. Moberly, 46–47.

18. Robert Moore, Rediscovering Masculine Potentials, four cassette tapes (Wilmette, IL: Chiron, 1988).

19. John Pierrakos, “Love, Eros, and Sex” seminar (Seven Oaks Conference Center, Madison, VA, December 7, 1996).

20. Bly, 25.

International Healing Foundation
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